This is Your Brain On......

No sleep, pregnancy, and stress.

It's fried, like an egg. Eggs. Eggs sound good. Hmmm....maybe later.

Today I visited my midwife. My midwife. There are 3 midwives that work at her clinic. The last two visits I had were not with her. It was so, so nice to see her today. Part of this, of course, is that she really knows me well since she was my midwife through my last pregnancy. The clinic is hers and she's hired a few new midwives to help out with her constantly expanding client base (because she's so darn wonderful!).

Being that she knows me so well, she can tell when something isn't quite right or when maybe I'm not taking as good care of myself as I should be. Today was that day. My blood pressures up, just a little, nothing horribly bad, and I admitted to not eating as well as I should be (even though I KNOW BETTER, really, I am someone who really knows better than to eat crappy when pregnant), and I am still not sleeping well. And I have no energy. And I'm 38 weeks pregnant....so that's probably why. Right? All women who are this pregnant are this tired and unable to care for their families. Right? Uh-huh? Oh, not really? Oh, I shouldn't be feeling this bad? It's not just because I have a toddler, and big kids, and a big, big family? And I'm pregnant? Oh. I thought that was why.

Nope. It's not normal. It's normal to be uncomfortable. It's normal to be a little less energetic than usual. When she asked my why I couldn't cook meals, I told her the truth. I thought, originally, that it was just because of my hands. But they feel a little better. I still can't cook. I don't have the energy to stand at the stove long enough even to boil water. Heck, I can't even sit on the floor and play with my kids for more than 3-4 minutes without having to get up and lay down on the couch.

She said the last woman who told her she couldn't cook or play with her kids ended up having hypothyroidism. So, she asked if we could check my thyroid function. Of course, you may check any blood work you would like to because I trust you with my life. So we're checking my thyroid and we're checking for thyroid antibodies, since I may possibly have this type of hypothyroidism. These tests may or may not identify a problem. While the thought of actually be diagnosed with something is daunting, and the thought of taking medication even more intimidating, part of me is kind of hopeful that a diagnosis will come back. Just. So. I. Know. I'm. Not. Crazy.

It makes you feel crazy when you feel something is wrong with you, but have no explanation as to why or what it might be. I've just been feeling awful about not being able to play with the kids, not being able to do laundry, and especially not being able to cook meals. I love to provide good food for my family, recipes they love. I like to cook. I hate eating out all the time. But I have no energy.

So, well wait and see. I will get a phone call if the tests come back out of normal range. And I have another appointment to see her on Monday. Again, so soon! Yippi! I really like going in to see my midwife. Aside from the fact that it's always nice to see someone who genuinely cares about YOU. Yup, me. She cares what happens to ME.

It's a big deal for us adults who never really were parented or mothered as children. My parents didn't do a very good job in their vocation, try as they might. They were too busy dealing with their own problems (and vices). My father passed away a few years ago. And my mother is getting better now that I'm older (much better), but I still missed out on most of those happy "I love you and care about you more than anything" kind of moments. (More on that stuff later, another day, another season, in another post. Just not up for getting into that while pregnant.) So for me, having someone care about me and what happens to me means a lot. (Thanks, A.!)

Also, as most women 38 weeks into their pregnancy will tell you, I'd like the baby to come out now. Anytime would be fine with me. Actually, anytime now would be GREAT. But, I know this baby will come when it's good and ready. Hey Baby - Are you ready yet?! I am ready whenever you are. Really.

Oh, and I had a dream last night that I had twins. Unexpected twins. I know this will not happen in real life, as I am just the right size for one baby and way too small for two. But, in my dream after my husband caught our 9 lb. baby girl, because my midwife and doula weren't here yet, I told him I felt something else. He asked, "Oh is the placenta coming so soon?" - which he would NEVER say in real life. And I said, "Nope. Placentas don't feel like babies." Then I proceeded to push out a 6.5 lb little girl. We named the big girl Barbara, which is really weird. That's his mother's name and we would never, ever name our baby Barbara. We named the little girl Emily. Don't know where that came from either, although I do have a friend named Emily who I have visited twice this week after a long hiatus. There we are sitting with our 3 little girls, the Petite Flower, Barbara, and Emily. I still have both cords attached to the babies while we wait for my midwife and doula to arrive. Very strange dream - thought you'd like to know.

I do hope the labor happens soon, and that all involved parties are able to arrive before delivery. Still, the prospect of my hubby catching our babe is pretty cool.

~H