Knit Through All Crisis

These words of wisdom come from Elizabeth Zimmermann. What wonderful words they truly are.

Crisis is going on here. But first, a happy thought. Two years ago today was the homebirth of my second son, Lovey. His "name" really fits his personality as he is the most loving, caring, and cuddly baby I have had to date. He still enjoys just cuddle time with me and will gladly go anywhere I go to be alone just to be with me (especially the shower!). Seems my waterbirth baby is really in love with the water and his gentle beginning seems to have made a lasting impression.

I love you! May your 3rd year being in my arms be as wonderful and joy filled as your last two!!

And now, onto crisis......and knitting......

I give you Summer Surprise. It is done. DONE, I tell you. This is a picture of it pre-blocking. It is currently in a nice bath with some Eucalan waiting for me to get off the computer so it can get pinned out and dry.

What a long journey this shawl has been. When I think of how many stitches and hours have been put into this it makes me tired.

Oh, and the crisis? That is what pushed me to knit those last 5 rows when I just couldn't focus on anything else and there was nothing for me to do.


This is my brother. He is 28 years old, just 16 months younger than I am. Last night, he was crossing the street around 10pm and was struck by a car. I got a call from my mom a little while later and then called the ER to talk to one of the nurses.

At that time, he had only been in the ER for about 20 minutes. He didn't have any obvious "life threatening" injuries at that time, but she said he was pretty bloody and they were still doing tests/CAT scans/X-rays to check for fractures/internal bleeding. His teeth were messed up and he had lots of cuts and scrapes everywhere.

Turns out, his jaw is severely fractured and the bones in his face are shattered. His teeth are all, I don't even know what to call them, very much not in the right places. He broke his collar bone (they think) and his ear continues to bleed (from the inside) from an unknown cause.

At 10:30 last night, with kids still awake and me an hour and a half from the hospital, there was really nothing I could do but sit and wait for a phone call. I was seriously torn between wanting to be there for my brother and wanting to take care of my family.

My mother was able to go right away. That is a relief, but also at the same time kind of hard. She has a very dramatic personality. So much so that I though he was dead when I first spoke with her b/c she was freaking out so much. That is just how she is. She stayed with him through the night. I still really wish I could have been there to speak with the doctors/nurses in charge of his care and treatment. Having a medical background (previous nursing, registered EMT, and midwifery training), I am able to ask questions about his care/treatment that I know would not occur to someone else to ask. It makes it very hard to step back.

Today, I was able to go to the hospital for 2 hours. He looks awful. He is unable to speak or eat/drink. I sent my mom off to get some food and maybe a shower.

Seeing him in the bed brought a swell of emotions I was not ready for. Growing up as we did, dealing with abandonment, abuse, and constant changing conditions has lead us both in very different directions in our lives. He never really has been able to get over what happened in our childhoods and has turned to many different addictions to cope. He has never really had a job, a girlfriend, doesn't know God, and usually lacks any real happiness apart from drinking.

My urge to pick him up and comfort him as though he was one of my own children was nearly overwhelming. I am sure he didn't pick up on this, because I am very good at not letting my emotions get the best of me. I simply wanted to tell him that everything would be OK and I would take care of it all and make the pain go away.

Being there with him, I was able to communicate with him fairly well and able to help take care of him for a little while. He asked me to look at his teeth and tell him exactly what I saw. He also asked me to care for some of his wounds, wiping up the secretions oozing from his face and the place on his chin where there were several stitches put in to hold the skin back on. I helped him get comfortable in bed and held an emesis basin while he spit, his secretions thick in his mouth from lack of drinking. Later my mom told me that he had not allowed her to touch him. This made me feel a little better that he knew he could trust me to care for him.

While I was there for 2 hours, 6 different care providers came to see him. Non of these providers where the doctors I really wanted to speak with and ask questions about his future surgeries and treatment plan. In fact, all of them seemed pretty non-essential. Every time my brother would doze off for a minute and have 1 really deep snore/breath, the door would open and someone else would come in to "ask a few questions".

If I may vent: The most annoying was the pharmaceutical guy. He came in to ask about medications. I thought he was there to talk about the medication they were giving him, or to set up a treatment plan to manage his pain (which he was still describing as a 7 on a 0-10 scale....pretty high if you ask me). Nope.

This guy just wanted to talk crap. "Are you allergic to anything?" (Sheesh, I hope they had already asked this, since he'd been admitted for over 12 hours by this point.) "Do you take any over the counter medications, supplements, herbs?" It was painful to watch my brother try and answer these. Just for him to say "Tylenol" and "ibuprofen" was very difficult. That was all the guy wanted to know. Oh, that and, "Do you use tabacco?" Yes, my brother shook his head. "Smoke?" Yes, another head shake. "Oh, well, in that case the CDC recommends that you receive a pneumococcal vaccine." Um, excuse me?? Wtf? Really?

At this point, I piped in. I told my brother I recommend he refuse. The "Pharmacy" guy asked why that was. So, I started asking questions of him. Does this have anything to do with his condition? What are the indications for the vaccine? Are they concerned he will be exposed to pneumonia during his stay?

The guy didn't have anything to tell me except "All smokers should receive this vaccine. The CDC recommends it." All smokers? I realize that smoking decreases your lung health and that it may make it harder for you to fight off an infection in your lungs. But seriously. He just got HIT BY A CAR. His face is smashed. He needs to heal. You want to introduce "35 different genetic codes of pneumococcal bacteria" (his words about what the virus contained) into his system when he is already compromised? Are you insane.

My brother declined the vaccine, even with the weird stares the guy was giving me.

He needs surgery to repair his jaw and plastic surgery to repair the bones in his face. They are concerned about his c-spine (cervical spine, neck bones). There is no fracture there, but lots of swelling and ligament tears. They refuse to remove his support collar to take the x-rays necessary to move forward with his jaw surgery. (Although, while I was there he was upgraded to a more comfortable collar and to put it on they had to remove the old one. I don't get it, even as a former EMT.)

It is possible he will have to wait 2 weeks for surgery. In the meantime, a PT (physical therapist) and OT (occupational therapist) have to determine whether or not he is able to go home and care for himself.

It is really very frustrating and I feel very much torn. I really, really want to be there for him. I am positive I could help at least with the understanding of his care for my mother and he. (Did that even make sense?) I feel torn b/c I want to take care of my family, and I want to be the rock for him too. It was humbling and very hard to leave the hospital today. My husband works the next 3 days and I may not be able to go there again, unless I can get someone who is willing to come into town with me and watch my kids. Also, my mom is scheduled to go on vacation next week and I am not sure that she would cancel to take care of him, if he needs it. I am more than willing to help, but I don't know if he will come to stay at my house.

Everything is kind of unknown right now. I thank God that he is alive, and that a bystander called 911 when the car that hit him drove off, leaving him unconscious in the street.

I also pray, reverently, that God will use this event to touch my brother's heart and bring him close to Him. The only love that is going to save my brother from the loneliness and sadness we've experienced is God's. For my brother to know that love, to just recognize that it *is* there, would be a true miracle.

Please, dear bloggy friends, pray for my brother's recovery. Not just from this accident, but from the emptiness, spiritual and emotional, he endures on a daily basis.

I love you, J.T. I know you're not reading this, but I will always be here for you. My heart aches for you to heal and know God's love and mercy.

Destruction

(I figured out how to load more than 5 pics!!)

I made a pair of socks for Wobbers last year:

Aren't they pretty?? I took him to the LYS and let him pick out the yarn. He choose beautifully, Claudia's Handpainted Yarn in "Hawaiian". It was lovely to knit with. I found that I LOVE knitting socks. (See more details of this project here.)

Do you want to see what happens to $26 worth of 100% wool sock yarn, soft and lovely, when given to a 9 year old boy??


Ew. See the big hole there??

And all the little holes??

The kid completely destroyed them. He asked me if I would "fix" them. Um, maybe if it was just one little hole I could figure out how to darn it. But this is really beyond fixing. I have a small amount of this yarn left and I'd rather make something new out of it than fix these socks only to have them ripped to shreds again.

I am not even going to take pictures of the other sock. It's just that bad.

I do not blame the boy. He is just a boy and wore the socks as boys do. I blame myself. From now on, he only gets socks with Nylon in them. And not expensive, handpainted yarn. Or I will at least by some sock nylon to run with the working yarn. Ei-yi-yi. These poor socks. Not to mention how worn the colors look now.

He still wears them. They still keep him warm. He just wears them around the house.

Had to share.

I Need A Chick

This is what I told my husband yesterday in the midst of an angry breakdown. I just need a chick to talk to.

It wasn't that he wasn't good enough. He's just not a woman (thank God!). And there was no one to talk to. And I fell apart.

My BFF (ha! I love using "in" language) has breast cancer. Not that that particular problem would keep us from talking, she actually has relatives visiting and I just don't want to bother her. And I have to mention the cancer because I am concerned I will lose her. There. I said it.

My other friend never seems to be able to talk when I call.

My best knitting buddy ever is moving in two weeks 2 1/2 hours north of my house. Craptacular.

We went to Mass at a parish closer to our house this weekend. 20 minutes to the church vs. 1 1/2 hours to our regular parish. It was awful. Let me elaborate:

How many EMC do you need when there are only 100 people in attendance (they had 8!!)?

Why were the EMC's consuming the host at the same time as the priest did (yes, he actually handed it out to them before he consumed it himself)?

Why didn't we sing the "Alleluia" before the Gospel? Or any of the other things we normally sing at a Sunday Mass (all were spoken, like a weekday Mass)?

We were out of there in thirty minutes. 3-0. On The Feast Day of Corpus Christi.

I left wondering if I attended a valid Mass. I also was so very distracted by the lack of reverence that I found myself unable to really participate in the Mass. I prayed afterward, in front of the Tabernacle, and asked Jesus to forgive me for being distracted and to forgive those in the parish for their disrespect. I asked him to help me be closer to him even when I don't "feel" like I am.

And then I had the shittiest day ever.

I got in a big pissing match with my husband over his attention to our biological children vs his biological children. I was very much picking a fight for I-don't-know-why. Then I tried to call somebody to just get it off my chest and there was no one.

My pelvis was heavy and hurting all day. I tried really hard to talk to my husband (when there wasn't any women available) about this and he just said, "Well duh. You're pregnant." I KNOW I"M PREGNANT. HELLO! I just needed to talk to someone (a chick, a mom) who would understand that even though I was very much excited for this new life within me, it still sucks feeling like your insides are going to fall out your bottom all day. It sucks having another human have the hiccups near your butt. Your butt shouldn't be shaking from the inside. Seriously.

I ended up driving into the big city anyway later that evening to get groceries. I calmed down. There was still no one to talk to. I tried calling my husband. And get this, he said "For someone who has so much Faith, maybe you should just let Him take care of it for a while." Can you believe it?! The nerve. Oh wait a minute. He was totally right. So I stopped trying to call every (three people) person I could and just sat in the quiet. It wasn't working. So I put on Relevant Radio (do they have that where you are? Awesome, Catholic radio). That was better.

There are still issues, and for some reason I am not sleeping at night. But the anger is out of me.

And now, to back-track a little, what do I do about the Mass? Do you just go somewhere else (I will)? Am I supposed to say something? Do I call the priest and (respectfully) ask him about my concerns? Do I write him a letter about my experience? Do I write to the Bishop (who is at my regular parish)? As a "young" Catholic, I am a little lost about what would be appropriate. I just thought the whole thing was weird (and distracting) (and irreverent). My husband thought it was just different and thinks I need to let it go.

Sorry not to have a point here.....I just needed to vent and ramble. Thanks. Sometimes I just need a chick. Which is why I have bloggers (ok, I know at least one of you is a guy, my apologies). My husband actually asked me the other night why I have so many blogs bookmarked on my phone. It's because I love you guys. You keep me sane.

Old Hurts

Today, of all days, the devil rears his ugly head and puts into my mind the memory of old pains.

On my way to Mass today, listening to the radio, I distinctly could hear my husband uttering ugly truths to me just as he had done almost 3 years ago. As clear as day, I could see him in my mind, sitting on the couch in a therapist's office after spending 3 days away from our home. He sat there, looking completely pitiful, and told me the worst thing I could have ever imagined to hear.

So, what does one do? I have already reconciled these truths. I have already done much recovery, dealt with my OWN issues, hurt, cried, been angry, loved, and forgiven. What do I do when this hurt builds up behind me and takes me by surprise.

I did the only thing I could do - I took it to the Tabernacle. I took it there, and I left it there. (I hope.)

I was not able to participate in Mass as I would have liked. I spent the majority of Mass, save the Eucharist, in the narthex. So after Mass, I let my eldest son watch my younger two, with the help of his God-siblings, and I gathered myself up to go inside and pray.

I prayed hard. I didn't say anything very deep or rehearsed. I didn't even know what to say. I just asked Him to take it away. I asked for Love. I asked for somebody, preferably Him, to love me as I have never been loved. I asked Him to surround me with His infinite Love and fill my heart until it could hold no more.

Take that, Satan!

The Devil's Masterpiece

Credit for this wonderful article due to Human Life International President, Fr. Euteneuer
http://www.hli.org/

Abortion: The Devil's Masterpiece

A few weeks ago, I visited Leroy Carhart's partial birth abortion mill in Omaha, NE and beheld for a few uncomfortable moments a totally repulsive center of human wickedness. Just looking at the dilapidated former car repair garage turned into baby-killing factory and the squalor of the entire surrounding area, I could not help but notice that the evil of abortion degrades everything that it touches.

Abortion is not only a social plague; it is also the spiritual negation of God's entire plan for man's happiness and eternal welfare. Whenever God says "Yes" to life and fertility the devil yells a resounding "No!"

Abortion's spiritual power is its perfect violation of all the commandments.

First of all, most abortions are the result of sins against the sixth or ninth commandments (adultery/fornication/lust). Abortion is certainly a sin against the fifth commandment prohibiting murder. Likewise, it violates the third commandment because the vast majority of babies are killed on abortion's heaviest business days, Saturdays (the Sabbath). Abortion is also a reversal of the fourth commandment where father and mother "dishonor" the child in the most heinous way and, in doing so, curse the holiness of God (second commandment) which is manifested in the only creature made in His "image and likeness."

As a false religion, abortion is a violation of the first commandment forbidding the worship of any other gods but the Lord, and this religion is undoubtedly fed through a highly sophisticated system of falsehoods and deceits (eighth commandment) which lead women into the abortion chambers.

Furthermore, abortion literally steals (seventh commandment) both our personal and national futures by depriving us of children! Anyone concerned about the present immigration issue should remember that the presence of more than 40 million Hispanic immigrants in this country tracks the destruction of 47 million of our own children by abortion since the Roe death decision.

The saying, "nature abhors a vacuum" is as true in demographics as it is in physics.

Finally, the tenth commandment (coveting our neighbor's goods) is about the capital sin of greed, the very thing that drives so many of the abortionists to do the killing work. Abortionists often claim to hate abortion, but they love the money behind it.

Abortion is like a huge spiritual vortex of sin pulling people into it, and even the Church can be compromised by this evil too. Most of the sins listed above are sins of commission, but the Church's sins are generally sins of omission, which abortion inspires - the terrible silence of the clergy on this topic, heretical "Catholic" politicians who are never disciplined by bishops, the easy justification of abortion by Catholic educators, the moral compromise by Catholic medical personnel on abortifacient contraception and sterilizations, etc. I am sure the devil just laughs and pats himself on the back when he sees the Church, that has the spiritual power to undo "all his work and all his empty promises," sitting back and pretending that abortion is a non-issue.

All of this is to point out that abortion is a spiritual power that negates God's plan for love, life and the family. It not only destroys bodies but destroys souls, which from the point of view of eternity, represents the devil's greatest masterpiece of evil.

Sincerely Yours in Christ,
Rev. Thomas J. Euteneuer
President, Human Life International

Quick Takes (Vol. 4)

--1--

My friend with the new baby here is very upset about my other friend (who is a closer friend to her than me) here who just lost her baby.

I feel utterly helpless as well. My friend with the new(er) baby is having such a hard time delighting in the joy of her wee one as it has been overcast with the shadow of the death of another baby.

This too will come to pass. And God's love will get us through.

--2--

The assortment of "Sympathy" cards at the store(s) is pathetic. They suck. They're all "so sorry for your loss", blah, blah, blah, "God loves you", blah, blah, blah. Not that God loving anyone is bad or something to make fun of. It's just the cards sound so damn fake.

Of course God loves us. I think that a mourning mother and family need to hear something more real. Like, "I bet you are really pissed at God right now. I would be too. Don't worry, He doesn't mind and He understands."

I really wish there was a card that said this: "I know we aren't really close friends. But as a mother I feel a connection to you and I want you to know that I understand that your pain is unbearable and that no one truly knows how bad you must feel right now. If it were appropriate and if I could, I would pick you up in my arms and hold you until it all went away. I don't know how bad it is. I feel guilty that my baby is OK, and I feel guilty for being so happy that my baby is OK. Please don't hate me for that. Please know and believe that my heart is with you."

Where's the Hallmark for that?

--3--

As a recent convert to Catholicism, I have never attended a Catholic funeral. I am kind of nervous about what to expect. I have also never been to a funeral for an infant, so I am twice nervous.

--4--

Hey God,

Why did you need that baby back so soon?

Sincerely,

H

--5--

I still need to set up my baby's baptism. I feel like it should be done TOMORROW, just in case. But I know it's best to allow for the funeral before I start calling the parish secretary to set up the baptism. Not to mention, I haven't checked with the God-parents for dates yet.

--6--

Hey God,

Is this thing on? Sorry. Just kidding.

Me again. I know that babies die everyday. This was a humble reminder very close to home about how precious these children are. Thanks for letting me have Yours just a little bit longer. I promise to try to not take them for granted.

H

--7--

His timing is perfect.

~H

Hold Them Tightly

Today, news......news that I cannot even bear to type came. Friends of ours unexpectedly lost their 7 week old baby last night. He died in his sleep.

As wonderful as the thought of him sitting in God's arms is, I cannot help but feel sorrow and sadness for his family. As a mother, I know there is nothing I can say or do that will make it any easier for his mother to grieve. I pray for God to give them the strength to carry on and to shower them with His love and grace in the months and years to come.

I find myself saddened and joyful today. I am saddened by the news of his passing. He was only a part of this world for such a short time. He gave his family unmeasurable amounts of joy and I know his family, and especially his mother, loved him very much.

I was able to speak with her late in the afternoon yesterday, before any of this had occurred. It was the first time she and I have really been able to talk since I had my son and she hers. She was so happy, so full of that elated euphoria that comes with having a new baby. We consoled each other on the sheer exhaustion of caring for a newborn and a toddler, comparing our situations, her nursing the toddler and the baby, and me just nursing my baby while trying to get my toddler to sleep without that tool. We had such a nice time talking. It was so good to see her and her family and hear that all was going well.

Later that night, I received a phone call that prayers were needed. The baby was going to the ER and not many details were known. My son and I prayed that God's Will be done and that He help the family stay strong and the baby stay healthy.

This morning, I awoke to the phone ringing. Another of my friends called with the news. I was absolutely in shock, and I think I still am.

I have spent the day praying and feeling some guilt at the other side of the coin of sadness - the joy I feel. I feel absolute joy that He has allowed me to keep my children. I realize very humbly today that they are indeed His children and not mine. He can call them back whenever He wants them or needs them. The cross He has given this family to bear is not one that I feel I could carry so graciously if it were given to me. I marvel at His Works. I don't understand what His plan is, but I do have hope and faith that He does everything for a reason.

The cross I have been given to bear in this life feels a little lighter today as look down upon my healthy children. I feel truly blessed with the gifts He has given me on this earth. My children are beautiful, healthy, and happy, most of the time. Their faces bring joy to my life everyday and I have never been more thankful for their presence than I am today.

Please lift up this family in prayer. Their hearts need the fullness of God's Love.

~H

Yearning

The curious ways of postpartum hormones. I am aching, aching I tell you, for my 2 year old.

She is my baby girl. I feel like I have gone and ruined her world. She looks at me. She wants me to hold her. She wants to be my entire world. And I want to be her entire world. But, that is not the way it is.

I have a little(r) one. One who needs me for everything. She does not understand. And neither do I.

I found myself lying in bed, crying because I missed her. She didn't want me. She was mad at me. She cannot believe that there is someone else in her space. Sometimes, when the space is open, she wants it. Other times, she shuns my efforts to cuddle.

How do I find balance? Where is the middle ground? I know she is reacting in a conventionally "normal" way - but it still doesn't feel right.

I know she will mature. I know she will be OK. I know she will understand that the Little Man isn't going anywhere and it's OK. I know that she will not always need me and will find other ways to be comforted.

Who will comfort me?

~H