A more official update....

I received this message from my Aunt, my cousins mother, today on FB:

Just an update that I didn't want to "share". M started to have cramps and bleeding on Friday night . She took the weekend off and did nothing but lay around. By Monday(possibly Sunday late) she had apparently miscarried. She went to the hospital Monday and they pretty much went in and took out what was remaining as well as the mass that was causing the problems. They sent it for a biopsy and she goes back on Friday for more bloodwork and follow-up. Her blood counts were ok but her enzyme levels were extremely high. She should be fine but we are still keeping our fingers crossed at this point. She was trying not to make any decisions until she could talk to D, but I guess God does work in mysterious ways. Thanks for the prayers. Love ya.

(D is Parker's Dad, he is in jail.)

My Aunt's official FB status today:

‎"70 degrees today and GOLFING! YEAH"

This pretty much made me want to THROW UP.

This is what I typed back:

So.....what did they do with the baby??? This is a person. He would have been about 14 inches long, with fingerprints and eyes. Did she get to see him? Or hold him? Or get pictures or foot prints? Or anything?

I find it extremely insensitive to say "they went in and took out what was remaining". They went in and helped her deliver her son. This is normal in this situation. Normally, a hospital also offers to take picutres and footprints when a baby dies this late along. My best friend's daughter died at 24 weeks and she has a memory box with her pictures in it.

I am very happy to hear that she did not decide to abort him. However, I do not think that God goes around telling people "You should take care of yourself and not others...." as you suggested maybe He as doing with this situation and Amanda.

You and my mom are very much alike. If a tragedy happened in my life I could totally expect my mom not to be there and not to interrupt her life to comfort me. Maybe you and Missy are not close. I just don't understand how you could have been golfing today.

I did NOT send this to her. I decided it just felt good to type it. And then I decided maybe I could get my anger and hurt and sadness for my cousin and her son out on here instead of to my Aunt (these were PRIVATE MESSAGES, btw, not FB wall posts).

Here is what I sent her:

I typed up something long and it felt good to get it out, but I am not going to send it to you.

Thanks for letting me know. I hope you had a great day golfing.

Do you have Amanda's address? I would like to send her something.

P.S. God NEVER asks us to sacrifice someone else for ourselves. Ever. He does ask us to *endure* sacrifice to make us stronger and bring us closer to HIM. But they are not the same thing.

I couldn't help but throw that last bit in there.

And now, I am done depressing you and exposing you to my bitterness over this situation. My best friend, C, gave me some great perspective information today. She has had to remind me of this often in our 12 year friendship: "H, your mother's side of the family is whacked. You are having a completely normal emotional response to this and they are not. Try not to be surprised." Thanks C. I love you.

3am is a great time to blog

No, really. It is.

I am up because I have sick kids. Some kind of fever/headache bug has hit. It started with Lovey on Friday and yesterday bloomed in Flower and the Wobbers.

Now, before you click away because you don't want to hear me get all complain-y (yes, I just made up that word), let me tell you I'm actually happy about this.

No, I am not the extremely-pious-holier-than-thou-type parent/Catholic/Christian either (so you don't have to click away because of *that*)....but....really I had an epiphany about this sick kid thing:

I am thankful for the opportunity to serve. I am thankful to God for these babies and the chance to comfort them, which is only made possible by God's Will for my life and His Grace.

And that makes me joyous.

And a little sleep deprived.

But seriously - living out my vocation brings me joy, even (and sometimes especially) in what our secular world would call the "crappy" moments.

I did not grow up with lots of caring and comfort from my parents, especially when I was sick. Having a sick kid was considered a major inconvenience to them and I/we were constantly reminded of such when we were ill. No one "babied" me/us or took the extra time to make sure I/we were as comfortable as possible. It was pretty much "you can stay home from school but you're on your own". To be fair, I'm sure (or I hope) part of that was due to important things like "someone has to go to work to make the money or we won't eat"....but, I digress.

Being able to care for my children in completely unselfish ways (when I'd rather be doing anything else than getting puked on) has a healing quality to those childhood wounds I picked up telling me I wasn't worth it. (I grew up with a *profound* belief that I was not worthy of anything good, especially love and time or praise.) It feels good to give them the reinforcements that tell them, in not so many words, "YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND LOVED" and "I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU" - even let you puke in my lap or have a nose-bleed all over my shirt (3 of those today!!) just because it comforts you and is easier for you to have to endure this crap in your mama's arms.

So even though I wish I had 6 extra hands today, and two extra laps (mama's lap is prime real estate around here when everyone is sick), I am happy, joyful even. God is good. He has surrounded me with soooo much love, so many reminders of my worth to Him (in the forms of little souls I am responsible for for a little while): it just makes me smile.

:)

Things are Looking UP

I seem to have found a whole new set of happiness today. I am not sure where it came from, but there it is.

Yeah, I am still really uncomfortable (physically) but that can only mean that this baby is making her way out soon. :) I have a new found energy to bleach my bathtub (don't worry, hubby did it so I wasn't inhaling fumes), buy washcloths and a new shower curtain, and get all my diapers out, washed, and folded. I also need to lanolize the wool soakers and longies I knit.

(I realize I just typed "buy washcloths". I know...I could knit some, right? I don't have super-soft cotton appropriate for that. And after we use the new washcloths on the baby we can wash them and everyone can use them. I either buy a few new towels or washcloths for each new babe.)

I am also really super, duper anxious to cast on something new!! I really want to start my Rivendell Socks - like RIGHT NOW. But no one will help me wind the yarn. I just need to get this beautiful skein of DIC Smooshy (Beach Fog - love it!) wound up and a-sock-knitting I will be.

You know you love the Beach Fog!

And this is the sock.....sorry for the tiny thumbnail.

Oh, and I found this really beautiful yarn over at Susan B Anderson's blog that is discontinued.....and then found 2 skeins on Ravelry. No, I will not tell you what it is because I WANT IT FOR ME. Although, I am not really in a good place to buy more yarn right now. But it's sooooo pretty.

I keep checking the mail for my needles to arrive. I swapped another raveler for the size I needed. Hers are already there.....mine, not so much.

AND, in the mail I am looking for my first shipment for the Harry Potter Yarn Club from Sunshine Yarns. This is the first time I have ever done a "yarn club". I did some research before hand and checked out all the yarns from the last 7 rounds of the club. I liked every single one of the colorways, so I put my faith in that and signed up (months ago). I thought it would be nice to have some yarn arrive at my house while I was sitting at home nursing my baby.

Oh.....other knitting stuff.....

I got two books from the library that had patterns in them I ran into either on blogs or Ravelry.

The first one is Vintage Baby Knits. (Little tiny thumbnail picture there, sorry.)

While I did think a lot of the patterns in it were cute, I wasn't super impressed with any of them. Mostly, I think, it's because I do not like knitting pieces of garments and then sewing them up. Every single pattern in there was knit in pieces, so that just turned me off. I *did* really like the "Duckie Onesie" and I am sure I could convert it and knit it in the round....but that would be a small pain in the @$$, so no. Cute stuff, but nothing that I've never seen before. So, I took it back the next day.

I also picked up Closely Knit. I actually would maybe knit a few of the patterns out of this book. It is full of gift ideas. The garments in it are knit in pieces, but that could be fixed. Again, not any garments that I've never seen before. I do like a few of the baby pieces, especially the charts for the duckies and the kangaroo. I like some of the blankets in the book, which is weird b/c I haven't ever actually knit a blanket and the task seems daunting. There is also a really cute pair of knee socks, a hat and scarf set that are pretty original looking (to me), and even a cardigan I think is cute. I'll be keeping this one for a few days and reading more closely through the patterns to see what I think of their construction.

Hmmmm.....what else??

My brother is still with us, until the 7th. Things are going good with him too. He got his c-spine cleared, so no more collar. He's pretty happy about that. They cut some of the bands out of his mouth so he can move his jaw a teeny tiny bit. It's enough to get a straw between his teeth so we have been experimenting with different pureed foods (he hasn't had "food" in about 2 weeks). So far, creamy Campbell's soups are the best, closely followed by pureed scrambled eggs with cheese.

Thanks for the comments of encouragement and prioritizing regarding this little stepping stone in my life. I finally just let go and let God (which I did a long time ago with him......the whole "almost dying - accident" thing just had me backstep a little bit). My brother is probably going to continue drinking (in fact, he had a beer when we stopped at his place after all the dr's appts the other day) and there isn't anything I can do about it (which I know, have always known, just let my hopes get up with the accident thing). But, I can help right now by being here for him. He knows he can always reach out to me in the future if he wants some help finding "help" to get clean.

Where Have I Been?

Busy week around here with a cranky mama, that's where.

My brother came to stay with us on Friday. Yep. I am really happy to have him "home". Although, that won't stop me from ranting about why he is here. As much as I believe it is better that he is here than with my mom, I still can't get over her behavior.

My mom travels. A lot. She had a vacation planned to Las Vegas for a two week stay to include the UNLV football game vs. UW Badgers. She was supposed to leave the day after my brother's jaw surgery.

A normal mother would have just canceled the trip. Especially when it is to a place where you have been (not exaggerating here) 50 times already in your life. And, even more especially when money is really not a problem and being out a couple hundred bucks on airfare is really no big deal.

But, we do not have a normal mother. She "had to pay $140!!" to reschedule her trip to begin on Saturday instead of Wednesday (yes, she complained about the $140, or at least her husband did) AND THEN......went on to say all week before she left "Oh, I am SOOOOO glad JT is coming to stay with you. I need a break. This is so hard for me. It's not fair. I just can't deal with this."....blah, blah, blah.....

You know, I am not exactly sure how I managed to become a loving mother to my children with the kind of mom that raised me. *sigh*

(She called once she landed in LV on Saturday and *complained* about the long plane trip and then went on to tell me how wonderful her margarita and cigarette were and how awesome it would be to "finally relax". Makes me want to puke.)

My brother seems really happy here with my children. He is constantly scooping up one of the little kids and cuddling with them. He smiles. He is even talking a little bit - well, what he can do with his jaw wired shut. The pain seems to get a little better everyday.

I got my brother to come to Mass. This is a big deal, I think. He made it through the homily before he asked me for the car keys to go wait outside. Baby steps.

My great expectations regarding my brother's future behavior are wearing thin. As happy as I am to have him here, and as happy as I am to see him getting better.....he is slowing trying to go back to his own ways. I am trying to stay optimistic, but it is what it is. He is smoking again. Not as much as he would if he were not recovering from major surgery, but still.

AND, what makes me really sad (but was I maybe a little naive thinking this wouldn't happen at some point?? I really hoped it wouldn't).......he managed to have a few shots of Jager (a seriously gross liquor, if you ask me) yesterday too.

I know, you are wondering how he managed to get alcohol if he is staying with me and has to drink everything from a syringe? When we were in the Big City (where he lives) for Mass, he wanted to stop by his place to pick up something he forgot. No big deal. He was inside for about 15 minutes. I felt very guilty wondering what he was "doing" during those 15 minutes. I admitted to my husband that I was worried he was "smoking something" - and not cigarettes. Once I said this out loud, I immediately felt bad for doubting his ability to stay clean while he recovered. Well, turns out he wasn't smoking anything. When he got back in the car, he freely told us that he had a few shots (and almost choked on the first one). He thought this was OK since he hasn't had a drink in over a week.

*SIGH* I don't know what I am supposed to do, if anything, in this kind of situation. But, it is what it is. I can pray (I am). And I did tell him that he is an adult and can make his own decisions - but I think in his current condition drinking (and smoking) is not a very good idea.

Of course, now that we are back at my place, there is no alcohol. So he is stuck for at least another week until my mom gets home. :)

I have become a super crabby annoying person to live with. I am sorry that my brother has to be here to witness this. ;) My husband is really sick of my attitude (I am certain). My kids are trying hard to deal. I just gotta make it a few more weeks. I am super sick of being poked in places that one shouldn't feel poking. I can't sleep. My legs hurt, my hips hurt. I can't poop. I am bitchy. Sorry guys. On a "happy" note, my husband says that I get really, really bad the few days before I go into labor. And then I have the baby and I am happy, happy, happy (and he will insert here that I go on to ignore him for 6 months....sorry babe).

I love Ravelry. Don't we all? I needed a size 4 circ needle and don't have the money AND couldn't find one online (in the length I need) (probably a good thing since I don't have the money). So, I put a post up in the "USED EQUIPMENT" forum offering to trade a size 0 47" circ that I have for a size 4 24" circ......and someone has one they want to trade!! Yes!! I am mailing her the size 0 today. And I am getting a great Addi Needle in return. LOVE RAVELRY.

New Project? I am trying to just work on the two sweaters. I have 2 sleeves completed on each sweater and I started the body on my husband's sweater. But seriously, I really need to start something for myself, or at least something fun and with color (because both of the sweaters are dark and green). I am trying to stay within my queue so I either need to cast on the FLS, some socks (for me) or my HP bag. Any suggestions?? (Disclaimer here: I feel like this is not a bad thing, since I only have the other two projects on my needles. 3 is not so bad. Unfortunately for me, my husband refuses to help me wind yarn for another project until his sweater is done. I will have to recruit one of the kids.)

Knitted Gift. My dear, dear knitting buddy and friend knit the cutest top ever for my new babe!! I am so happy. It is out of Malabrigo Silky in a colorway that I have coveted forever. I will post a pic soon.

Untitled Rant

This post is intended for me to vent. If you are uninterested in a rant, come back later and I am sure there will be some happy knitting related post or something (actually I can guarantee it b/c I need to put up pictures of the finished shawl).

My brother is "home". That is to say, he is staying at my mom's house. His jaw surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. He is going to stay with her until then and then come to my house after surgery to recover.

I stopped by yesterday to see him. He is looking better. The swelling in his face is going down and he is able to get some good fluids in him. His teeth are his main source of pain right now and even talking (especially those sounds where your tongue has to touch your teeth to make them) hurts a lot.

He gave me all of his discharge papers to read so I would know what was going on, and to help explain to him a little what all of his follow up appts and instructions were for.

Yesterday was his first night out of the hospital. Amazingly, my mom and he listened to me when I said, "Make a chart for his medication(s) and check them off when he takes them." He has multiple medications for pain and infection fighting. Some are every 4 hours, some every 6, etc. They are all in liquid form so he can't use one of those pill-counter box things to keep track. It is very important that he stay on top of his pain so that it does not get out of control. If he is not able to manage the pain, he runs the risk of misusing the medication and possible becoming addicted.

So.......I stopped by yesterday. Then I went grocery shopping and came home. He was looking forward to watching the Packers play last night. I decided to call over there after I got the groceries put away (around 11PM). I just wanted to see how he was and let them know I'd probably come by today after Mass.

My mom's husband answered the phone. He was obviously drunk. She was "out with her friends". JT was sleeping. I endured 15 minutes of his babble, mostly to try and ask about JT. Her husband joked about how he was "babysitting". He also said, "Well, the chart is here and he should have had his medicine an hour ago. But he's been sleeping for hours. I am not waking him up. He is being rejuvenated." I asked him, well kind of tried to convince him, to wake him up. But, of course, in his drunken excellence he knows everything and told me it would just be best to let him sleep as long as he can.

This is a point I really pounded into my mother before she brought him home from the hospital (and one of the reasons I am glad he stayed there as long as he did). Pain management and infection control are VERY IMPORTANT. Important enough to wake someone up for. He needs to take the meds on time, every time.

As you can imagine, I am very frustrated. I cannot believe that it is that hard to stay home with your son and take care of him. I can't imagine anyone NOT wanting to do everything they can for their child (adult child or kid) in this situation. It isn't like she has to go to work, or has any little ones to take care of. Her only "job" really in this caretaker situation is to make sure she wakes him up to take medication if he is sleeping. When he is up, he seems to have a pretty good handle on using the chart and knowing when he needs to take meds. Oh, and maybe she has to throw some milk and carnation instant breakfast in a blender a few times a day.

Is that really so hard? For your son? I just don't get it. I know part of that has to do with the bonds I have developed with my children that she just doesn't have with us (my brother and I). I know that part of it is her history of abandonment with us. I know that she really doesn't know how to relate to anyone, especially her children, in a *normal* situation. It still really bothers me a lot.

This is a situation where it is completely acceptable and appropriate to focus attention and care on your adult child. Unfortunately, she spends so much time giving him inappropriate attention/care that now she feels like it is just "too much". (In the "not hit by a car" life - she enables my brother's addictions and enables him to not have a job/grow-up/be an adult. Most of the time she caters to his every whim, chauffeuring him around and buying him whatever he needs, be it cigarettes, toilet paper, food, clothes, or booze.)

I am just feeling really frustrated and a little helpless right now. I am very angry with my mom. The worst part is, I am sure she was out drinking. So not only did she leave my brother alone with her drunk husband for hours on end, by the time she got home last night, she was probably drunk too and unable to give optimal care to my brother. What a great example to try and help him NOT DRINK while he is recovering, right? Yeah.

But I am sure she convinced herself she "deserved" a night out since she'd been going to the hospital to visit him everyday. Uh-huh. Because when you put time in taking care of someone you (supposedly) love it's just so you can "earn" time to yourself. Right. And take off when they actually need you, when there aren't any nurses or doctors to come in and check on him.

Blocking and Thinking

Here it is. All pinned out. That was a PITA. I am pretty sure I am done with laceweight yarn. Maybe. Ya never know.

And I am still thinking of my brother. Here is another picture of him with my youngest son, this summer at the amusement park. (Back before I buzzed Lovey's hair.)

Love you, J.T. Praying for you still.

Knit Through All Crisis

These words of wisdom come from Elizabeth Zimmermann. What wonderful words they truly are.

Crisis is going on here. But first, a happy thought. Two years ago today was the homebirth of my second son, Lovey. His "name" really fits his personality as he is the most loving, caring, and cuddly baby I have had to date. He still enjoys just cuddle time with me and will gladly go anywhere I go to be alone just to be with me (especially the shower!). Seems my waterbirth baby is really in love with the water and his gentle beginning seems to have made a lasting impression.

I love you! May your 3rd year being in my arms be as wonderful and joy filled as your last two!!

And now, onto crisis......and knitting......

I give you Summer Surprise. It is done. DONE, I tell you. This is a picture of it pre-blocking. It is currently in a nice bath with some Eucalan waiting for me to get off the computer so it can get pinned out and dry.

What a long journey this shawl has been. When I think of how many stitches and hours have been put into this it makes me tired.

Oh, and the crisis? That is what pushed me to knit those last 5 rows when I just couldn't focus on anything else and there was nothing for me to do.


This is my brother. He is 28 years old, just 16 months younger than I am. Last night, he was crossing the street around 10pm and was struck by a car. I got a call from my mom a little while later and then called the ER to talk to one of the nurses.

At that time, he had only been in the ER for about 20 minutes. He didn't have any obvious "life threatening" injuries at that time, but she said he was pretty bloody and they were still doing tests/CAT scans/X-rays to check for fractures/internal bleeding. His teeth were messed up and he had lots of cuts and scrapes everywhere.

Turns out, his jaw is severely fractured and the bones in his face are shattered. His teeth are all, I don't even know what to call them, very much not in the right places. He broke his collar bone (they think) and his ear continues to bleed (from the inside) from an unknown cause.

At 10:30 last night, with kids still awake and me an hour and a half from the hospital, there was really nothing I could do but sit and wait for a phone call. I was seriously torn between wanting to be there for my brother and wanting to take care of my family.

My mother was able to go right away. That is a relief, but also at the same time kind of hard. She has a very dramatic personality. So much so that I though he was dead when I first spoke with her b/c she was freaking out so much. That is just how she is. She stayed with him through the night. I still really wish I could have been there to speak with the doctors/nurses in charge of his care and treatment. Having a medical background (previous nursing, registered EMT, and midwifery training), I am able to ask questions about his care/treatment that I know would not occur to someone else to ask. It makes it very hard to step back.

Today, I was able to go to the hospital for 2 hours. He looks awful. He is unable to speak or eat/drink. I sent my mom off to get some food and maybe a shower.

Seeing him in the bed brought a swell of emotions I was not ready for. Growing up as we did, dealing with abandonment, abuse, and constant changing conditions has lead us both in very different directions in our lives. He never really has been able to get over what happened in our childhoods and has turned to many different addictions to cope. He has never really had a job, a girlfriend, doesn't know God, and usually lacks any real happiness apart from drinking.

My urge to pick him up and comfort him as though he was one of my own children was nearly overwhelming. I am sure he didn't pick up on this, because I am very good at not letting my emotions get the best of me. I simply wanted to tell him that everything would be OK and I would take care of it all and make the pain go away.

Being there with him, I was able to communicate with him fairly well and able to help take care of him for a little while. He asked me to look at his teeth and tell him exactly what I saw. He also asked me to care for some of his wounds, wiping up the secretions oozing from his face and the place on his chin where there were several stitches put in to hold the skin back on. I helped him get comfortable in bed and held an emesis basin while he spit, his secretions thick in his mouth from lack of drinking. Later my mom told me that he had not allowed her to touch him. This made me feel a little better that he knew he could trust me to care for him.

While I was there for 2 hours, 6 different care providers came to see him. Non of these providers where the doctors I really wanted to speak with and ask questions about his future surgeries and treatment plan. In fact, all of them seemed pretty non-essential. Every time my brother would doze off for a minute and have 1 really deep snore/breath, the door would open and someone else would come in to "ask a few questions".

If I may vent: The most annoying was the pharmaceutical guy. He came in to ask about medications. I thought he was there to talk about the medication they were giving him, or to set up a treatment plan to manage his pain (which he was still describing as a 7 on a 0-10 scale....pretty high if you ask me). Nope.

This guy just wanted to talk crap. "Are you allergic to anything?" (Sheesh, I hope they had already asked this, since he'd been admitted for over 12 hours by this point.) "Do you take any over the counter medications, supplements, herbs?" It was painful to watch my brother try and answer these. Just for him to say "Tylenol" and "ibuprofen" was very difficult. That was all the guy wanted to know. Oh, that and, "Do you use tabacco?" Yes, my brother shook his head. "Smoke?" Yes, another head shake. "Oh, well, in that case the CDC recommends that you receive a pneumococcal vaccine." Um, excuse me?? Wtf? Really?

At this point, I piped in. I told my brother I recommend he refuse. The "Pharmacy" guy asked why that was. So, I started asking questions of him. Does this have anything to do with his condition? What are the indications for the vaccine? Are they concerned he will be exposed to pneumonia during his stay?

The guy didn't have anything to tell me except "All smokers should receive this vaccine. The CDC recommends it." All smokers? I realize that smoking decreases your lung health and that it may make it harder for you to fight off an infection in your lungs. But seriously. He just got HIT BY A CAR. His face is smashed. He needs to heal. You want to introduce "35 different genetic codes of pneumococcal bacteria" (his words about what the virus contained) into his system when he is already compromised? Are you insane.

My brother declined the vaccine, even with the weird stares the guy was giving me.

He needs surgery to repair his jaw and plastic surgery to repair the bones in his face. They are concerned about his c-spine (cervical spine, neck bones). There is no fracture there, but lots of swelling and ligament tears. They refuse to remove his support collar to take the x-rays necessary to move forward with his jaw surgery. (Although, while I was there he was upgraded to a more comfortable collar and to put it on they had to remove the old one. I don't get it, even as a former EMT.)

It is possible he will have to wait 2 weeks for surgery. In the meantime, a PT (physical therapist) and OT (occupational therapist) have to determine whether or not he is able to go home and care for himself.

It is really very frustrating and I feel very much torn. I really, really want to be there for him. I am positive I could help at least with the understanding of his care for my mother and he. (Did that even make sense?) I feel torn b/c I want to take care of my family, and I want to be the rock for him too. It was humbling and very hard to leave the hospital today. My husband works the next 3 days and I may not be able to go there again, unless I can get someone who is willing to come into town with me and watch my kids. Also, my mom is scheduled to go on vacation next week and I am not sure that she would cancel to take care of him, if he needs it. I am more than willing to help, but I don't know if he will come to stay at my house.

Everything is kind of unknown right now. I thank God that he is alive, and that a bystander called 911 when the car that hit him drove off, leaving him unconscious in the street.

I also pray, reverently, that God will use this event to touch my brother's heart and bring him close to Him. The only love that is going to save my brother from the loneliness and sadness we've experienced is God's. For my brother to know that love, to just recognize that it *is* there, would be a true miracle.

Please, dear bloggy friends, pray for my brother's recovery. Not just from this accident, but from the emptiness, spiritual and emotional, he endures on a daily basis.

I love you, J.T. I know you're not reading this, but I will always be here for you. My heart aches for you to heal and know God's love and mercy.

One More Thing.....

Yes, that is really a picture of the real building I worked/grew up working around and in.

And a thought occured to me: God loves all. He never gives up on anyone. Even people you love to hate. He keeps after them, keeps trying to get their attention, keeps trying to make them see that He's still there.

He whispers. Then He shouts. And then He tackles you and bangs your head with a hammer.

Is this my mom/brother/mom's husband's hammer?????

~H

Burnin'

My phone rang at 3:30 am this morning and woke me up. It was my husband.


"Have you heard?"


Heard what.....


"The bar is burning to the ground."


My mom's bar, which she and her husband own (not my dad), was on fire. We have friends that work there and one of them called my husband at work to let him know. This morning, I found a picture of the blaze online:

I have the strangest feeling about this. Part of me is happy. Part of me is a little sad. Please don't think I am being unsympatheitc or that I have a heart of stone. I am sad for my mom. But, I am happy that nor my husband or myself work there any longer. I also feel like there was so much evil and sin going on in that place, aside from the patrons and alcohol being served, that it is truly a blessing that none of that will happen there any longer.

I'll have more to say about this soon. My family is something that I've wanted to post about for a while and all the hidden feelings this blaze is stirring up is a good start.

For now, I pray that somehow through this a conversion of hearts can happen for my mom and brother, and even her husband.

~H

Too Busy

I have been too busy to write anything. He's a (really) quick look at what we've been up to:

Right now, I am up with the Wobs running a hot steam shower to get rid of his croupy cough. He sounds like a baby harp seal.

My husband has been working like he's the only sheriff in town. People are breaking the law left and right my friends.

I am soooo tired because I cannot sleep when the seasons change and it is officially winter here, snow and all. My hubby's had the snow blower out 2 times already.

Black Friday appauls me. Really. I am happy the Lord has really helped me to fight the consumerism I was raised to worship.

But......I am getting addicted to cloth diaper hunting again. My Lovey is outgrowing the size he's in and I've got to get new (used) ones. I found a forum where I can trade for dipes instead of buying them. I'm trying to trade some of my Mama Cloth (yes, I use cloth menstrual pads. They are the BEST!!!).

Or.....I can try and use the potty, like I did with My Petite Flower. The diapers are just easier, what with having a toddler and baby.

My marriage needs time. We are so busy, some days I have to remind myself to say "I love you." (I do Sweetie, love you that is. I'm sorry we're so busy. And thank you for the cards.)

Advent has started. I got my Jesse Tree out today and my Advent Wreath. Only 1 day late! A new record for me.

I've been reading up more on the Culture of Death and Abortion. I've got some good ones coming.

Couponing has been OK. But I save lots of money by just going to the right store.

Penciled in a time for Baptism. Now I just have to confirm with all involved parties.

I'm at least thinking about St. Nicholas Day. I don't know if we'll do anything.

God Bless you all!!! More to come soon......

~H

You Want Me To Put My Hand Up What?!!

Stuffing. Some call it "dressing", but I can't figure out why. All I know is that in order to prepare this stuff (no pun intended) and make it taste as yummy as possible you must stuff your hand up a turkey's ***. Or as my 8 year old would say, "Up his donkey."

And where did this weird stuff originate anyway? I found some neat online trivia on the history of stuffing. It appears that people have been "stuffing" foods, namely animals, for EVER. Ok, for years. But ever has such a nice ring to it. Apparently stuffing a turkey for Thanksgiving really caught on once Stove Top made it possible to do it very simply and cheaply. Thank you Ruth Siems.

The Victorians, I read, were not all that happy with the "improper" sounding term stuffing. They are the ones who decided to call it dressing. (Who knew?) It was originally called farce, from the Latin farcire (see #6 in the link on farce). I particularly like the term forcemeat. As in, force the meat up the animal's donkey - if you catch my drift.

Although I do not agree with any stuffing recipe (for Thanksgiving, or any other holiday meal for that matter) that calls for meat in the stuffing. I prefer, as my family has gently pounded into my preferences for 20+ years, a simple, yet eloquent, stuffing. No need to "change it up." No trying to "one up" last year's stuffing. No folks, holidays are made with simplicity of tradition. And in our house, that tradition involves not f'ing up the stuffing.

I will never forget the year that my mom let her sister-in-law bring the stuffing. It was the last year she ever let anyone help with food, ever. There were, I am not kidding, water chestnuts in the stuffing. Water Chestnuts. In. The. Stuffing. I shall not comment much more about this horrible memory.

But just for nostalgia's sake, imagine you are eating a traditional Thanksgiving meal. Turkey. Mashed Potatoes. Gravy from a jar. Green Bean Casserole. Sweet Potatoes. Canned Cranberry Sauce, in the shape of the can. Homemade Stuffing. Savory, smooth, salty, satisfying, er....ow!! What the heck was that? Why is there something crunchy in my stuffing? Did I just lose a filling? You put what in the stuffing? Water chestnuts? Aren't those traditionally used in Chinese cooking? Do I look Chinese? Do they roast turkey's in China and serve them on the fourth Thursday in November?

Oh it was fun let me tell you.

Of course, I have lots of other *fun* Thanksgiving memories involving food screw ups. Years, and years let me tell you, after the Water Chestnut Incident, as it's referred to in my family, came the Mouthwash Mashed Potatoes. Would you like to know how those three words got strung together?

Well, my mother has always been a pretty good cook when it comes to Thanksgiving. It was one of the very few times during the year when I was growing up that she cooked a meal, so we were very happy to have it. Not only that, but really, it was good.

As the years went on she kept cooking this meal but she also began another tradition with Thanksgiving - getting completely sloshed the night before. Most years this was no big deal. But the year in question she had apparently stayed out a little too late. Like until the sun came up the next day.

She had invited me and my husband (now, but not at the time) over for Thanksgiving. It was the very first time she would be meeting her future son-in-law back in that first year when we were living in sin. Unfortunately, she was a bit drunk, er...hungover, when she started dinner.

Anyway, my future husband, being the gentleman he is, took large servings of every dish offered. My brother and I were at the table with him, my mom exhausted and laying on the couch. My brother and I began to eat and both immediately stopped. We gave each other "the look" and knew there was something terribly wrong with the meal.

My husband cleaned his plate, smacked his lips, and graciously complemented my mom on the wonderful food and asked for seconds. My brother and I looked at him like he was nuts. He winked at us and said, "The mashed potatoes are so thin and watered down I could rinse my mouth out with them, " as he turned to the stove to get more. We broke into hysterical laughter while he kept this totally straight face. It was so bad I almost peed my pants.

My brother and I asked him, out of my mother's earshot, why he was going back for more. Clearly, in the absence of my mother's sanity, she had boiled the potatoes too long and then added way too much milk before mashing. He said, "Gotta make her feel good, first impression and all. Now give me that shaker of pepper. I'm going to need the whole thing to get another serving of these down."

We now compare, in absence of my mother of course, all bad food to the Mouthwash Mashed Potatoes. We are an odd bunch I tell you.

Included for you holiday viewing and tasting is my family's stuffing recipe, credited to my Grandfather:

Bread, white, cheap, torn into pieces
Butter, melted
Salt
Pepper
Onions, chopped
Celery, chopped

Mix together by hand, preferably little 3 to 6 year old hands, and shove up turkey's donkey.

**For those of you who may actually try this and want a more "serious" version of the recipe and instructions:

1 loaf of bread per 8 lbs. of bird. (So, for example, 1 1/2 loaves for a 12 lb. bird.)
1 lb. of melted butter per loaf of bread.

Tear up the bread and put it into a big bowl. Chop up some onion, however much you like. 2 medium sized is usually what I do. Chop up 3-4 stalks of celery. I like to include the leafy parts, they have lots of flavor. My family of origin did not do that. Add celery and onion to bowl with bread. Sprinkle with pepper and salt. Melt butter over low heat on stove top. Pour down over bread, celery, onion, salt, and pepper. Mix together by hand. I like to let the kids do this because it's very fun and messy. Shove up turkey's donkey. Cook turkey according to Better Homes and Garden's Cookbook poultry directions for turkey roasting with stuffing. :)

~H