Baptism

Rose was baptised this weekend. Here are some pictures for those of you who live far away.

Unlike my other children, she didn't mind the water a bit.

There is her Godmother.

On the left, GodMother and Godfather (in the green and grey), on the right, myself and the husband (pink and green), and in the middle, Fr. Holmes.

Isn't she cute!

3am is a great time to blog

No, really. It is.

I am up because I have sick kids. Some kind of fever/headache bug has hit. It started with Lovey on Friday and yesterday bloomed in Flower and the Wobbers.

Now, before you click away because you don't want to hear me get all complain-y (yes, I just made up that word), let me tell you I'm actually happy about this.

No, I am not the extremely-pious-holier-than-thou-type parent/Catholic/Christian either (so you don't have to click away because of *that*)....but....really I had an epiphany about this sick kid thing:

I am thankful for the opportunity to serve. I am thankful to God for these babies and the chance to comfort them, which is only made possible by God's Will for my life and His Grace.

And that makes me joyous.

And a little sleep deprived.

But seriously - living out my vocation brings me joy, even (and sometimes especially) in what our secular world would call the "crappy" moments.

I did not grow up with lots of caring and comfort from my parents, especially when I was sick. Having a sick kid was considered a major inconvenience to them and I/we were constantly reminded of such when we were ill. No one "babied" me/us or took the extra time to make sure I/we were as comfortable as possible. It was pretty much "you can stay home from school but you're on your own". To be fair, I'm sure (or I hope) part of that was due to important things like "someone has to go to work to make the money or we won't eat"....but, I digress.

Being able to care for my children in completely unselfish ways (when I'd rather be doing anything else than getting puked on) has a healing quality to those childhood wounds I picked up telling me I wasn't worth it. (I grew up with a *profound* belief that I was not worthy of anything good, especially love and time or praise.) It feels good to give them the reinforcements that tell them, in not so many words, "YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND LOVED" and "I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU" - even let you puke in my lap or have a nose-bleed all over my shirt (3 of those today!!) just because it comforts you and is easier for you to have to endure this crap in your mama's arms.

So even though I wish I had 6 extra hands today, and two extra laps (mama's lap is prime real estate around here when everyone is sick), I am happy, joyful even. God is good. He has surrounded me with soooo much love, so many reminders of my worth to Him (in the forms of little souls I am responsible for for a little while): it just makes me smile.

:)

Dropping The Ball

Crap. I believe I said "every day or every other day.". Well, it's been 4 days. :P

I am realizing I haven't posted because the week started out kinda crappy. Since I didn't post for the week, how about a recap, crap and all?

Monday - My husband's ex-wife somehow managed to convince a judge to award her child support after 8 years of 50/50 placement. She under-reported her income (yes, we (our lawyer) pointed this out to the court, yes we asked that documentation be shown, no they didn't care) and the court "evened-out" the households based on this. Never mind *my* four children who need their father's income. Or the fact that her kids wear designer clothes and we shop at goodwill/st vincent's.

I am trying to keep Faith. Faith that God will not let my family go hungry, that He will not make us choose between electricity and food or gas in the car. Maybe that is the humble lesson for me to take in all this. Maybe He just wants me to let go and Believe.

Tuesday - Haircut. This always happens after the baby comes. I love my hair long, hate it short. But it is now short. I just don't have time for it to be long. It's ok. I feel like I already have a good hold on "old lady hair". You know, short and curly. That's me. I feel like an old lady with this haircut. But it's easy.

We followed the haircut with a super-huge grocery restock in the Big City.

We finished the evening at the polls. Can I just say I am very pleased at how things turned out here. I had posted on my FB page that day the following:

"Fwd: Make sure to forward to all your voting friends. The new law is: Republicans are to vote on Tuesday. Democrats vote on Wednesday."

In our midwestern state, the democrats got the message!

Wednesday - Stayed home all day to recharge from the busy and long previous day. Baby doesn't like to be out that much and she just needed to be in familiar surroundings and be far from the carseat.

I got into a "debate" with some "pro-choicer" on another friend's FB page. My friend (pro-life) had started with a pro-life status/debate/situation. I commented. I said I call pro-choice what it really is: pro-death. Another midwife (really) called me an idiot. She says pro-choice is not pro-death, blah, blah, blah. 69 comments ensued. I had to leave it alone at about the 17 mark to make dinner/do bedtime. A self-defined "pro-life christian" pulled the rape/incest card and would not drop that there HAD to be this exception. It was pretty interesting to read. I wonder how an abortion would un-rape someone? Anyway - I could go on and on about it here.....but instead you'll probably just get some posts regarding abortion in the next few weeks.

Thursday - Local homeschool group. I think I've been meaning to blog about how awesome this is for a while. It just keeps slipping my mind. A new family moved to the area and sought out other homeschoolers. She united those of us that were already here and we've been meeting every week at the local park on Thursday mornings for about 10 weeks. This week we switched to the gym at a local private Lutheran school (one of the families are parishoners there and the pastor homeschooled his kids so they let us use it FOR FREE!!) It's lovely and warm.

It is so nice to fimally know some families. I have made some local friends and I know my 10 year old is loving having some "guys" to play with.

After that we went to go get the teenager from building school and stopped at the chiropractor. It's been a long time since my last adjustment and it was really nice.

On the way home we stopped by the Amish woodshop and picked up a very, very late birthday present for my toddlers. They are constantly fighting over the only chair that we have with our wooden table. For their birthdays (in August) my aunt sent me the money to purchase another. I finally made it there on Thursday. The kids are very excited to each have their own chair.

Oh! And I got my last installment of the Sunshine Yarns Harry Potter Yarn Club in the mail!! "Unforgivable Curse" was the colorway and it is beautiful. I did not like the last two, so I was very happy to like this one. I am trying to trade them on Ravelry for skiens of the latest one. Wish me luck!

Friday (today) - First Friday Mass with our Catholic homeschool group. Boy did I wa to skip this today!! I finally said the following prayer to God after a shitty morning (and a crappy night of sleep last night):

God....I am getting a cold, the kids are fighting, and First Friday Mass is an hour and a half drive away with a newborn that hates cars and no husband to drive me. Today would be a great day to skip Mass. I implore You: I will drive us to Mass. You take care of the rest. Thank You.

And He did!! My baby slept peacefully all the way to town, even with a stop at the gas station. Her Godmother held her all through Mass and she didn't cry. I was able to *kneel* during the Consecration (it's been ages since I could - always holding someone or too pregnant) and I got to put my older daughter in the sling when we stood which she loved. My 2 year old boy clung to his "godsister" all through Mass and managed to not get into too many things. :) I am going to have to ask for God's direct help more often.

How was your week?

Normal Guy vs. Edward Cullen

In which I continue my conversation about my love/hate relationship with Twilight. I have more "love" to give, but I thought today we'd touch on the "hate" or more aptly, "these characters aren't real".

"A Normal Guy would wait for you to make him breakfast. Edward Cullen would make you breakfast everyday. " - I found that on another blog. Can't remember where or when, but it got me thinking.

Edward Cullen is a character we can all love. He has some very redeeming qualities. First, he's a gentleman. He was born in 1901 and had that "old school" sense of manners and politeness, especially when it comes to how you treat a woman. He is charming. He opens doors. He's always polite. He offers his coat when you're cold. He has patience.

Most of all, we love Edward Cullen because he loves her. Not in the way most "Normal Guys" love their girlfriend's/wives/fiancees. He LOVES her, with everything that he has, with no chance of failing, no smidge of regret or worry, no sense of what he could find better or easier to love. He unfailingly devotes every second of his being to her happiness and her salvation, even going as far in one of the books to leave her for what he has rationalized is her best interest in staying alive and having a "normal" life. He is ultimately concerned with her soul, and repeatedly refuses to "change her" because he doesn't want her to lose that and be damned (as he believes he is).

You are probably thinking, "Sheesh. You said you'd touch on the "hate", sounds like you love this character too." You are right. I do love this character. What's not to love?

And herein lies the problem.

Edward Cullen is inhumanly perfect. He has no human limitations to him that a normal guy has. He doesn't sleep. He doesn't eat. He doesn't get tired. He has an endless supply of money, and doesn't have to work (his sister can see the future and his family plays the stock market, rather well, not to mention his "dad" is a doctor and makes reasonably good money too). He has endless patience, never ending energy. He is inhumanly strong and fast. He is the ultimate protector, provider, and loving husband.

The fact that there are no human limitations to what he can do sets up the "Normal Guy" for failure. A normal guy has to work overtime to make Christmas gifts happen. Edward Cullen is infinitely rich. A normal guy has to sleep and will get tired no matter how much fun he is having. Edward Cullen can keep doing whatever you want - forever. A normal guy has his own needs and wants. Edward Cullen wants whatever will make YOU happy (or in the book's case, Bella....but the books are written in first person from Bella's perspective, so it is easy to think of Bella as yourself). A normal guy may actually have to back down from a fight (not MY normal guy, hee hee). Edward Cullen is impossibly strong and fast. Normal guys fart. Not Edward.

Do you see what I am getting at? This dude is not real. I mean, I *know* he's not real, duh, it's a book. But he leaves the mind up to wander about the "perfect man" that simply does not exist in this world created for us by God. Humans have human limitations.

My husband is going to be too tired to "mow the lawn" (if you know what I mean *wink*) some nights no matter how much I want to or feel that I need him. My husband is occasionally going to want to do some of his own stuff, stuff I may not be interested in like playing video games, yard work, or cutting wood. (Although, I could watch him cut wood ALL DAY LONG.) He might want to go fishing, even when it's hot and muggy out.

He isn't going to think that everything I do is totally awesome. For example, he thinks the knitting is fine, but really, he could care less. He is glad I have something that makes me happy and excited, but he is not going to sit and listen to me talk about stitch counts, fiber make-up, or the benefits of wool vs. fake stuff.

As wonderful as he thinks midwifery is, he doesn't want to hear about the placenta I delivered at the last birth.

He is going to want food. And if I don't feed him, he is going to get cranky.

He has to work. If he doesn't work, we don't have the things we need, like food, clothing, and shelter. This means he is going to have to leave me at some point during the day to earn a paycheck. I am going to have to be alone, without his presence. I am going to have to handle our children by myself and figure out how to manage. He is going to interact with other humans that are not me. And he is probably going to like it *gasp*. (Because who wouldn't like a little break from babytown to have some adult conversations every now and then?)

Bottom line: As much as I like the series, I have to remember it is fiction - created by a human. Not real. Not created by God. Fascinating, yes. Real, no.

As an adult, I think I have an OK time realizing this and keeping the fiction as entertainment. I think entertainment is good and healthy. I like plenty of other fiction stories too, like Harry Potter and Santa Claus, or Barbie Rapunzel (yes, I like that one!), or my kids' books.

What I think bothers me is that I know there are people out there who are going to have a hard time finding a "Normal Guy" to live up to their expectations after reading about Edward Cullen. I especially would worry about preteens and teenagers (and even some adults). These books are very fun to read (and I would recommend them highly!). But if you can't separate fiction from reality, you are in for a sad time.

Real men don't and won't treat you like Edward Cullen. They won't cater to your every whim, every desire. Real men will love you like humans love. They have faults (just like YOU) and their own needs and desires to be met also. You will have to find a balance and wake up everyday and choose to love them. They will be able to make you happy, but not the kind of unconditional, unending happiness that is for fiction novels. The only unconditional, unending happiness you will find in this world will not come from a human man - it will come from the love of God.

Real men are not gods, and they will not treat you like such. (And really, you don't want to be treated like such, trust me.) The "honeymoon" phase will end with every human relationship at some point and you are going to have to make due with what is left. It is enough, and will work. But not like in the fiction stories. It will take work, and sacrifice, and the rewards will be great. But you are going to have to put some effort in too. Edward Cullen would never make you do that.

Problem With Prayer - Next

So, you ask after reading that last entry, where's the problem??

Well, the years have certainly gotten better and deepened my faith. My husband even found God again after abandoning him so many years ago (years before we met, when his problems that ultimately led to our problems began). My husband was a cradle Catholic who just dropped the Faith when it couldn't help him overcome his "stuff". Shortly after I was confirmed, he went to Confession for the first time in over 20 years (!!) and began going to Mass regularly and receiving the Eucharist.

My children have all been baptised. My son received his First Holy Communion about a month after I was confirmed and loves to serve at the alter during Mass. My husband still needs to be confirmed, but we'll just keep praying on that one, shall we? Ok.

So, as wonderful as this new found Faith is, as great as the Church is, as much as I love Jesus with all my heart......I still have a hard time with prayer.

I believe every single Truth the Church teaches and I believe the infallibility of the Pope to lead us. I believe this is the One True Church left to us by Christ himself.

Here's where I end up in problems (I hope this doesn't seem silly, or petty, or weird, or, or, whatever. It's just how it is in my head).

God is all-knowing, omniscient, and omnipresent, everywhere. I believe this.

What does God need me to ask for that He doesn't already know? He knows everything that has every happened, is happening, and ever will happen. How is my teeny little human prayer going to change that? He already knows if it's going to "work out" or not. He already knows what the outcome is. He had already seen it happen. Does my prayer really make a difference?

Please don't think this keeps me from praying all the time or in every instance. It just, well, it hinders my prayer.

Someone says to me, "Please pray for my brother. He's in the hospital with an illness and we want him to get better." I can't figure out what to pray. I know that he is either going to get better because God already planned it that way, or he is not going to get better because that is God's plan. I usually just pray, "Thy Will be done."

Another instance where I feel hindered is when I have my own needs to pray about. Forget that completely. I can usually argue in my head and end up not praying anything because HE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, even if I don't like it.

Part of my problem too, I know, is that I grew up knowing I didn't deserve anything. I deserved nothing good. Nothing happy. I was not good enough to ask for things and I wasn't good enough to have anything good happen to me anyway. (Thanks Mom & Dad!!)

Then I feel guilty. Guilty for not praying. Guilty for not doing what I should be.

I can usually pray when those prayers are the kind that revere Him or Mary. I have no problem with the Hail Mary, the Our Father.

It's the petitions I have a problem with. I feel guilty not praying, then I feel guilty asking for what I need. Like my needs matter to anyone, let alone Him. Then I feel bad for thinking that.

It's an endless circle I let myself get caught up in. Again, not that I never pray....I just have problems sometimes.

I remind myself that it is OK not to "feel" anything with prayer. I do not believe that Faith is directly connected to "feelings". I know that I usually need it the most when I "feel" nothing. I still go to Mass when I feel nothing. I still say the prayers. I still live my vocation. I have learned that "feelings"/emotions are not what we base our lives and our Faith on.

My faith is firmly rooted in belief. My marriage in firmly rooted in vows. I know that I will not always "feel" love for my husband in the lovey-dovey, teenager, hormone-crazed way I did when we first me (not that I was a teenager when we met, just using it as a descriptor). That doesn't mean there is no love, or that the love is meaningless. Love is shown in many ways, by living my vocation and he living his.

The same applies to my faith. I don't always "feel" the presence of God in my life. But I know He's there. I know He carries me when I am down. I know He is with me in my joys. I believe He won't abandon me. I believe He wants happiness for me. I believe He will help me, in ways I may not understand at times, to become a better disciple, a better mom, a better wife. I believe He wants me to pick up His Cross with Him and Carry It. I know that struggle is part of this life and will help purify me for the next. I don't always "feel" these things, I just know them.

I try to apply the same to praying. I don't feel like it. I don't usually feel anything profound. But I know I should.

*sigh* So that's it. I have problems praying. I don't do it enough, and I don't exactly get the point ('cause He's all-knowing). Anyone else have this problem?

Problem With Prayer - Intro

A while back I promised a post with this topic. I am not exactly in the same place I was that day....but I am going to try and get the gist of this off my mind.

As mentioned many times previously on the blog, I am new to faith. Not that I never had any before, I just had a very undefined view of God and my place in the whole spectrum of things. I believed in God, but not going to church. I wasn't anti-church, I just didn't go. I wasn't Protestant or Catholic, or "Non-Denominational Christian". I was just me.

Now that I have Faith, the true Faith, everything is a little different, but some things are the same. I don't take the Lord's name in vain nearly as much as I used to (it's something I take with me to Confession everysingletime, but it's getting better). I still have a hard time with prayer.

When I was a little kid, I used to "say my prayers" before bedtime. My dad (on some non-drunk night I am sure) taught us to say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer and to say "God Bless.......(fill-in-the-blank)". I always felt guilty only asking God to bless the people I knew and cared about. So I devised a system to cover everyone at least once and then those I cared about a little bit more. It makes me laugh to think about it now. I would ask God to bless everyone in the whole world, then everyone who knew someone I knew, then everyone I knew, then everyone I knew and liked, then everyone I was related to, then my favorite relatives, then my mom, dad, and brother. Seems a little overkill and silly to me now. But to my little kid OCD brain it made sense.

My journey into the Faith began with a fall. My marriage was crumbling right before me and I had no idea what to do or how to hold on. My husband came to me one day and told me he didn't love me anymore. I had no idea what to do or where to go with the grief, sadness, disbelief, hurt, and anger I felt. I have serious abandonment issues as it is (my parents kind of sucked, I'll get to that in some other post) and this was the ONE person who had promised never to hurt me or leave me. And here he was, doing both.

I cried. I nursed my baby and cried. I couldn't do anything. I fed the kids. I fed me. I had no one to talk to. It took months before he actually got the truth out - and then I was even more crushed. I had no idea how we were supposed to fix this, IF we were supposed to fix it, how I would live without him, how I would survive mentally, emotionally, and even financially (yes, money crossed my mind, what can I say? I had just recently embraced being a SAHM and given up working).

We had just bought a new house (new to us) and I had heavily lied to get the loan approved. We moved from a big city where I had friends to a little hick-town where my husband's ex-wife lived (to make it easier to get the shared kids to school when I had a newborn). I had just pulled my kid out of public school in the middle of the year to homeschool him permanently (although we couldn't convince the ex to let the other kids out). I hardly knew anyone. Anyone, that is, except the mom of a friend of my son's who had just pulled her kids out of public school and inspired me to do the same.

I had been able to empty everything out to my BFF who lived farther away, but there was little comfort she was able to give me other than an ear to scream and cry to and a pair of arms to hold me when I visited her to cry.

The mom in town had something I didn't have. I remember the first time I talked to her about homeschooling and why would she do that? She said, "Well, we're very Catholic." Hmmm. I just thought the school sucked ass (sorry to be so blunt). I was very casual and said, "Oh, I find God out in the woods when I sit and listen while I'm hunting." I am a little embarrassed I said this now. Actually, I stole those words from my husband because I didn't really have any words for that comment.

Once we were both new homeschoolers living a block away from each other, we started talking a lot more. She could tell something was up. I cried all the time. I didn't want to be home. I'm pretty sure I was eating all the food in her house. She asked if she could do anything. Nope. She said, "You should talk to my friend, Fr. Eric." I said, "I am not Catholic." She said, "He doesn't care. He's my friend. We grew up together. He can help you."

I went to see Fr. Eric. He is, and remains, the most awesome priest I have every met. He GOT IT. He seriously got it, right away. He got my problems, my marriage, everything. He saw that all was not lost and told me God had a plan and wanted my marriage to survive. He looked at the little girl nursing at my breast and told me God obviously blessed our marriage with her and wanted us to stay together.

He gave me a rosary he acquired in the Holy Land that had been blessed by the Pope and taught me the prayers for it. He also gave me a couple of other books which, out of respect to my husband and our privacy, I am not going to share the names of, but they specifically gave me information about what I was going through. Who knew Catholics (and priests!) were so knowledgeable in this area. Ha!

I left his office thinking "Why isn't everyone Catholic? This priest is awesome." Of course, I met some other priests since then and realize that this particular man has a gift and I thank God he chose to share it with the Church. (Note here: I am not saying that this is the only good priest out there or that all other priests are mediocre. Not at all. Fr. Eric is just something special you don't see everyday.)

My new neighbor and homeschooling pal had a few more things to say to me in the coming weeks. "You should come to Mass." "Um, seriously, I am not Catholic." "Doesn't matter. You should just come." And I did.

In the nights where I couldn't sleep after I learned the truth from my husband, the Rosary was my only comfort to quiet the visions in my head causing me such grief. I prayed the Rosary until I fell asleep everynight for probably 3 months. I didn't know much about meditating on the mysteries or the Gospel....I just knew the Hail Mary's, Our Father's, and Glory Be's. I said them over and over and prayed for the images to go away.

I kept going to Mass too. Sometimes I would just sit in the narthex with my nursing baby and cry while my son sat with my friend's family.

I met with Fr. Eric again and cried there some more.

Somewhere in the next 6 months, things got a little better. I still don't know exactly what changed or how it happened (yes there was counseling, and talking, and seeing this priest, and a bunch of other stuff....but really, I can't tell you how it all worked anymore). Somewhere though, I was Catholic.

This was what I had always been searching for. Someone who would love me unconditionally. Someone who did love me and had loved me. Someone who knew me and still loved me. Someone who would never leave me. Somewhere I belonged. Truth. Love. Peace. I found them all with God.

I made the decision to join the Church at Easter. I prepared. I read. I prayed. I kept going to Mass.

My husband couldn't believe that out of "all the religions out there" I had to pick Catholicism. My BFF couldn't believe it either, but she was just happy God was part of the picture now.

We conceived another child in Dec 2007. Yet more proof that God wanted my marriage to survive.

I was confirmed at the Easter Vigil in 2008.

You are probably wondering, just as I am right now, how this all relates into a "problem with prayer". I am getting there. I certainly didn't think I'd go to all this detail (even though I have skipped A LOT of the details to shorten this up) about finding faith and my marriage issues, but apparently I needed to get it out. I am cutting this post short here and will resume (hopefully I'll start typing it right after this) with another post explaining the problem. I figured for you to get where I was coming from you needed/deserved a little background.

Weirdness & Confusion

I read quite a few knitting blogs. (No, this entire post isn't about knitting. If you keep reading, hopefully I'll make a point about some interesting political/religious fare.) I have some over in my sidebar, which desperately needs updating. Even though it is titled "Blogs I Actually Read", there are some over there that I have stopped reading and many more that I read that aren't there.


Quite a few of the blogs I read, I read on my phone. Consequently, when trying to find new material to read, I search out and find new blogs to read usually from other bloggers' side bars. This has worked pretty well to up my knitting reading list from 2-4 blogs to about 20.


I have found some interesting things about knitters and people in general. I believe the knitting population represents a reasonably good sample of the average population. I say this because most of us knitters are your average, normal, trying to be "good" type people with our various (and common) flaws that make us who we are. Most of the knitters I've run into on the blogsphere try not to comment too much politically or religiously, which I also find to be pretty common with the general population.


Of course, there are exceptions.


There are those who lean so far to the extreme one way or another that they feel their views need to penetrate every facet of their life *cough*ahem*cough* (I never do that....). As such, I have run into some, well let's say stimulating posts out there in the knitting world. As I refuse to be a troll on someone else's blog and their opinions, my first reaction when I encounter these blatant refusals to see the world for what it really is (a Battleship with Christ as my Caption which I am aboard) to simply "delete" them from my reading list.


But, since I do have my own blog to voice my own opinions (ain't that nice?), I can at least come here and mention to you some of the weirdness and confusion I have encountered.


Weirdness. Almost every knitting blogger has a cat. Really. WTF? Do I have to get a cat now? They are only good for keeping mice away (and a lot of them can't even do that). Who wants to clean up cat litter? Then again, you don't have to let them outside and they don't need too much of your attention, ever - unless it's time that they "decided" belongs to them. (I do not own a cat, but lived for a few years with an Aunt who had 3. Annoying buggers.) (P.S. I don't think owning a dog is any better, but for different reasons. And yes, we have a dog. Not my idea, thankyouverymuch.)


And then we have confusion. I define confusion as simply not being able to accept Revealed Truths. This can result in major confusion with choices you are presented with in life and also confusion on ordering priorities.


I have a dear friend (Christian, of course) who has no other definition for h0m0sexuality other than "confusion". I like this definition, as it seems to hit home rather well. There is some serious confusion going on there and a refusal to accept Revealed Truths - due to same confusion and society's pressure to order priorities as you see or "feel" fit.


Anywho....back to confusion.


I should say here that I do not mind reading posts on knitting blogs that are not about knitting. In fact, I actually like hearing (a little) about the bloggers other going-ons in life, their family, work, etc. I obviously really like getting my fiber fix from these folks, but if you want to tell my about Aunt Nettie's new house, or your teenager's new attitude, by all means....it's your blog. It's nice to know a little bit about the person holding the needles.


Recently I encountered a blog post wherein the author expressed her "outrage" at the treatment, or rather lack-there-of, of animals in zoos in China. She links to an article (didn't bother to read it myself) about animals dying of starvation in Chinese zoos. Then goes on to say that she doesn't know what kind of movement it takes to stop these things from happening, but she's going to find one. I should give her credit (and this I mean in a nice way) for making a fleeting comment about China's human rights record not being so good either.


Um.....confusion.


China's human rights don't exist. In a country where baby girls are aborted and/or left in the road to die more than I could believe is humanly possible, I would say that they do not have a "human rights record". I pretty much disqualify them as a place where human rights matter at all. I don't even like using the words "human rights". It is simply the Right to Life. If you do not respect the Right to Life, you don't respect anything.


What bothers me about this particular post is that her "outrage" is that ANIMALS are dying. Animals. In zoos. Really?? That's what bothers you? It just reminds me of all the "Save the Baby Whales" crap, "Save the Spotted Owl", "Save the Harp Seal". People are seriously confused.


How about you pretend that baby human over there is a harp seal and save her, mmm'kay?? Or pretend she's a tree? Or whatever else effed-up, not-as-important-as-another-human-being thing you'd like to pick to "save" and put that much much effort into saving all the HUMAN lives that are lost each year to abortion. Ok?


So, naturally, I deleted this blog immediately from my reading list.

Another (and this seems a little less important now that I've ranted about saving the whales) post I pulled up recently on a knitting blog also caught my attention and is slated for deletion. In an otherwise normal seeming knitting blog the author, on Easter, or maybe the day after, proudly reports that since neither her or her husband are Christian they are "free to do as they please" on Easter Sunday.

Oh? How nice? As though the rest of us who do believe the Truth are somehow not free to do as we please? Or are somehow being forced to participate in the celebration(s) of Our Lord's Resurrection? Come on. Pu-lease. People act like there is some kind of bondage involved with BELIEVING. Not like you could actually enjoy knowing the Truth. Not like you could willingly show up at Mass (or whichever services you attend) because you want to. Obviously, it's all out of guilt or repression. Yep.

I think I gotta delete her too. Sad.

I think maybe this one does bother me a bit. It seems we've gotten to a place in our society and culture where the only discrimination that is acceptable to (almost) everyone is that against Christians. What is up with that? I guess I should expect it. We are reminded even in Sacred Scripture that we will be persecuted. It just kind of sucks that with all the PC crap about trying not to "offend" any one for any reason (which is silly) that there is somehow an unspoken exception to that rule that says, "unless you're offending someone because they believe in God...that one is still OK *thumbs up*."

I promised a point here, didn't I? Well, maybe I don't exactly have one. I will leave you with a summary instead.

Cats are weird.
Save humans, not animals. Get your priorities straight. If you can rally for a "cause", make sure it's not a tree.
Speak out when someone brags about not being Christian.
Expect persecution.

In which God asks me to submit to His will.....

.....again.

Time to think of names again.

Dear Advent,

I am so sorry. I tried. Really, I did. I tried so hard to get into you and the Joyful Anticipation of Our Lord this year.

I know I did a much better job last year. I put up the Jesse Tree to celebrate Christ's lineage from the beginning of time and actually read the readings with the children. I decorated my house. I dressed my children appropriately in liturgical colors for each Sunday Mass.

I scourged the internet and YouTube for messages to share with my bloggy readers about the wonderful coming of Our Savior. I sung "O Come Emmanuel" so much that my husband asked me to stop. I pondered the Mystery that He is, both in the silent places of my heart and in this public venue with my peers.

Advent, you have been a wonderful companion to me in years past. I have no reason to abandon you. And yet, I have.

It doesn't help that we were *asked not to come to Mass* (twice). Or that I had to learn the hard way that being a Catholic homeschooler does not automatically make someone a decent person.

Not having regular internet access makes those wonderful renditions of Advent music so needed here on this blog a thing of the past.

Having to ask *my mother* for money to bail us out of a financial pinch is the icing on the cake this year. (Not to mention that she also made Christmas real for our kids this year - Thanks Ma!).

Nary is there a Christmas Tree shining it's lights in my home. Those candy canes purchased for decoration and Reindeer-making crafts are still lumped up in a plastic Walmart bag awaiting their shining moment.

No Advent, I have not been joyful or welcoming to you this year. Perhaps if I had embraced your spirit I would rightfully feel more "Christmassy" about now.

Today is Christmas Eve. There is one day left for me to redeem myself with you. I fear you will have to simply be patient and wait for me again next year.

I bid you farewell. Until we meet again...I'll enjoy our last hours together as I find a place to sit at Midnight Mass.

~H.A.M.

Personal Growth

My husband brought home a rubbermaid tub/bin of clothes yesterday from our old house (on the market, but not sold). The clothes inside were mostly mine. They were from many years ago, like when we were first married.

Lots has changed since then.

In the "growth" department I would say, "Yes. I have grown." Physically for "sho". Seriously. Who can wear a size 31x32 pair of jeans after 3 kids?! (If you can, just shut up.) Camp shorts in a size 8. 8!! And shirts in the mediums galore. I don't think I can even put one boob in a medium now. ;)

Watching the kids look at the clothes was fun too. Phrases like, "Mom, why would anyone ever wear leather pants!?" abounded. They were followed closely by, "Hey! I can wear that!" We did give quite a few of the items to the children. Of course, I had to torment myself (really, it was to make everyone laugh, myself included) and attempt to try some of the items on. Be glad we didn't take pictures or you'd have a wet tushy from peeing your pants.

But in the real area of personal growth, I can see that as a moral human being, a Catholic, a Christian, a mom, a wife, and a woman, I have grown a lot.

It is amazing to me the kind of things I found appropriate to wear, in public or private, once upon a time. We found some old tattoo shop shirts in the bin. These were free t-shirts the tattoo shop owner had screen-printed up with his shops logo and usually some kind of other thing on it. I wore them everywhere. He had a great ring of free advertising going on with these things. I would cut the sleeves off mine, cause I have sleeves of tattoos, and the tight t-shirt collar so they would be more comfortable and show off my ink to the fullest.

The two shirts in question were special shirts that were made up for a tattoo show (Yes, there are tattoo shows/conventions all over the place. There are also tattoo magazines, and the photographers usually come to the shows. There's contests, etc., artists, and lots of other stuff.) in the fall of 2005. The said the name of the tattoo shop and "Tattoo Party Crew" on them. They also had a "drawing" (not a photo) of a woman, with a tattoo, on them. Except,.....she was standing, facing away from the viewer, wearing only a pair of thong underwear and high heels. She had a tattoo over her lower back.

Now, I'm not a prude by any means. But this certainly falls into the "inappropriate for my 9 year old son to be staring at" category any day of the week, especially yesterday. My husband had the slight of hand to pull it away before any of the kids saw it. Of course, I'm sure they saw plenty of it in 2005, since they were all around then and I wore it ALL THE TIME.

I guess I am just happy that I can see that shirt for what it really is - a distraction. It's another one of those things out there to distract us from what's really important and to desensitize us to immorality. I know, I know......maybe I'm making a big deal about this. "It's just a shirt." Right? Well, no. It's a lifestyle that I am proud to say I don't buy into any more. I don't think it's ok to walk around with a half-naked chick on my chest (like anyone needs more help seeing where that is). I also don't think it's ok to desensitize my children to nudity/pornography at every turn. Seeing me, their mother, go from the bathroom to the bedroom with no towel is a far cry from seeing a chick who looks like she works on a pole, if you catch my drift.

My point here is, I feel I have experienced some personal growth in the past four years, and I am grateful. It's wonderful to realize that it's ok to change and it's ok to let the past be. I don't have to mourn the life I had before but can look to it as a place where I have been and grown from. Feels good.

Oh, and we crumpled up the shirts and threw them away. Somethings are not even appropriate to give away.

Old Hurts

Today, of all days, the devil rears his ugly head and puts into my mind the memory of old pains.

On my way to Mass today, listening to the radio, I distinctly could hear my husband uttering ugly truths to me just as he had done almost 3 years ago. As clear as day, I could see him in my mind, sitting on the couch in a therapist's office after spending 3 days away from our home. He sat there, looking completely pitiful, and told me the worst thing I could have ever imagined to hear.

So, what does one do? I have already reconciled these truths. I have already done much recovery, dealt with my OWN issues, hurt, cried, been angry, loved, and forgiven. What do I do when this hurt builds up behind me and takes me by surprise.

I did the only thing I could do - I took it to the Tabernacle. I took it there, and I left it there. (I hope.)

I was not able to participate in Mass as I would have liked. I spent the majority of Mass, save the Eucharist, in the narthex. So after Mass, I let my eldest son watch my younger two, with the help of his God-siblings, and I gathered myself up to go inside and pray.

I prayed hard. I didn't say anything very deep or rehearsed. I didn't even know what to say. I just asked Him to take it away. I asked for Love. I asked for somebody, preferably Him, to love me as I have never been loved. I asked Him to surround me with His infinite Love and fill my heart until it could hold no more.

Take that, Satan!

Dispensed

Today is a beautiful day. Not just because it's another day He has given us - but truly a beautiful weather day.

My family and I had a nice drive into Mass and even made it ON TIME, despite the interstate road construction.

Our parish priest tends towards the heavy side on the incense, which I like. Today there was enough to set off the fire alarms. This has happened before. I chuckled to myself when it started.

Except, despite the best efforts of those responsible, they couldn't get them to stop. After 10 minutes of blaring alarms, through which the 1st and 2nd readings and the psalm was done, we were dispensed from our holy day of obligation.

As we drive the hour and a half back home I feel a little cheated.

I have nothing prolific to say. I just feel a little off.
(Updates on the court case to come soon...for those of you wondering.)

Blog, Interrupted

"You are not currently connected to any network."

My computer triumphantly tells me this everytime I log on.

Why not just say:

"You're unconnected."
"You have been disconnected from the outside world."
"Don't even think about rejoining society any time soon."
"No one wants to connect with you."

Ok, that last one is a little bit of my own insecurities shining through.

Still.

I am unconnected. I sit and type with my thumbs and it's not the same. I have looked into satellite internet. Expensive. I miss my DSL. Dial up would make me cry and render everything unreachable and obsolete.

Not to mention that aside from missing my blogging, many other extreme, stressful situations require my attention at this time.

If anyone is still reading this, please pray for healing, spiritually and emotionally, for my daughters. And, as always, continued conversion of my husband's heart. (Yes, I realize that wasn't a complete sentence. Yes, I homeschool. Scary, I know.)

-H

Must Watch Videos

A dear friend emailed this to me - with hopes I'd post it. But of course.....



Then I watched this and balled my eyes out. Get a Kleenex.

No really.....

Really, you have to go and read Fr. Brian's blog. The post today was WONDERFUL. Love it.

I know I already told you this, but I really mean it this time. Go. Read. Love.

The Devil's Masterpiece

Credit for this wonderful article due to Human Life International President, Fr. Euteneuer
http://www.hli.org/

Abortion: The Devil's Masterpiece

A few weeks ago, I visited Leroy Carhart's partial birth abortion mill in Omaha, NE and beheld for a few uncomfortable moments a totally repulsive center of human wickedness. Just looking at the dilapidated former car repair garage turned into baby-killing factory and the squalor of the entire surrounding area, I could not help but notice that the evil of abortion degrades everything that it touches.

Abortion is not only a social plague; it is also the spiritual negation of God's entire plan for man's happiness and eternal welfare. Whenever God says "Yes" to life and fertility the devil yells a resounding "No!"

Abortion's spiritual power is its perfect violation of all the commandments.

First of all, most abortions are the result of sins against the sixth or ninth commandments (adultery/fornication/lust). Abortion is certainly a sin against the fifth commandment prohibiting murder. Likewise, it violates the third commandment because the vast majority of babies are killed on abortion's heaviest business days, Saturdays (the Sabbath). Abortion is also a reversal of the fourth commandment where father and mother "dishonor" the child in the most heinous way and, in doing so, curse the holiness of God (second commandment) which is manifested in the only creature made in His "image and likeness."

As a false religion, abortion is a violation of the first commandment forbidding the worship of any other gods but the Lord, and this religion is undoubtedly fed through a highly sophisticated system of falsehoods and deceits (eighth commandment) which lead women into the abortion chambers.

Furthermore, abortion literally steals (seventh commandment) both our personal and national futures by depriving us of children! Anyone concerned about the present immigration issue should remember that the presence of more than 40 million Hispanic immigrants in this country tracks the destruction of 47 million of our own children by abortion since the Roe death decision.

The saying, "nature abhors a vacuum" is as true in demographics as it is in physics.

Finally, the tenth commandment (coveting our neighbor's goods) is about the capital sin of greed, the very thing that drives so many of the abortionists to do the killing work. Abortionists often claim to hate abortion, but they love the money behind it.

Abortion is like a huge spiritual vortex of sin pulling people into it, and even the Church can be compromised by this evil too. Most of the sins listed above are sins of commission, but the Church's sins are generally sins of omission, which abortion inspires - the terrible silence of the clergy on this topic, heretical "Catholic" politicians who are never disciplined by bishops, the easy justification of abortion by Catholic educators, the moral compromise by Catholic medical personnel on abortifacient contraception and sterilizations, etc. I am sure the devil just laughs and pats himself on the back when he sees the Church, that has the spiritual power to undo "all his work and all his empty promises," sitting back and pretending that abortion is a non-issue.

All of this is to point out that abortion is a spiritual power that negates God's plan for love, life and the family. It not only destroys bodies but destroys souls, which from the point of view of eternity, represents the devil's greatest masterpiece of evil.

Sincerely Yours in Christ,
Rev. Thomas J. Euteneuer
President, Human Life International

That "Almost Baptized" Feeling

Hee hee!! Haw-haw!!



~H

One More Thing.....

Yes, that is really a picture of the real building I worked/grew up working around and in.

And a thought occured to me: God loves all. He never gives up on anyone. Even people you love to hate. He keeps after them, keeps trying to get their attention, keeps trying to make them see that He's still there.

He whispers. Then He shouts. And then He tackles you and bangs your head with a hammer.

Is this my mom/brother/mom's husband's hammer?????

~H

Catholic = Universal

cath⋅o⋅lic   /ˈkæθəlɪk, ˈkæθlɪk/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kath-uh-lik, kath-lik] Show IPA Pronunciation

–adjective 1. broad or wide-ranging in tastes, interests, or the like; having sympathies with all; broad-minded; liberal.
2. universal in extent; involving all; of interest to all.
3. pertaining to the whole Christian body or church.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1300–1350; ME < L catholicus < Gk katholikós general, equiv. to kathól(ou) universally (contr. of phrase katà hólou according to the whole; see cata-, holo- ) + -ikos -ic

The word "catholic" has, in our society, come to mean only those who are members of the Catholic Church. What I find interesting as a convert to the Catholic faith is that the word catholic means "universal".

The more I research and study the origins of the Church, the more I realize just how universal it is.

The Catholic Church IS THE CHURCH. Before about 1000 A.D. there was only 1 (one) denomination of the Christian faith - catholicism. Either you were Christian, and belonged to the Church, or you weren't. The bible, which so many protestant denominations quote often and liberally, would NOT EXIST without the Catholic Church. The Church kept the works of the books of the bible together, protected their sacred nature, and sheilded them from the hands of those who would otherwise wish to destroy them for over 1000 years.

I am eager to read "The Fathers of the Church" which I hear will help me to fully understand the history of Christianity and the origins of my faith. I've heard that anyone who reads this cannot help but believe, and know, they are Catholics.

~H

When It Rains.....It Dribbles

Yesterday got off to a good start. And then things started to go downhill.

But today, through prayer and an open heart, we see that things are not quite as bad as we first anticipated.

We made it to a 7:30AM (yes, folks, A. M., in the morning) Mass yesterday. We have resolved to make it to Mass every Sunday, even when My Sweetie (that would be the breadwinner) has to work. He gets off at 6AM, takes about an hour to get home.....so this seemed a reasonable answer to get him as much sleep as possible.

We were ON TIME. Really. I am not kidding. I got up at 5:30 to make sure. Mass was, er, different. Not the regular parish we attend. And we now know why we attend the parish we do.

Anyway, when we got back to the truck - nothing. No turn over, a few "eh, eh, uh" noises from the engine, and then nothing again. We called for help. Our dearest friends (and neighbors) came and attempted to jump us (not over us, silly), but nope. We rode home in their van and left our truck at church.

When we got home, the furnace was not working. Yup. I had to go downstairs and give it a stern talking to in order to get it to resume heating our home. Throughout the day it would randomly stop working and I would have to turn it on & off and give it dirty looks in order to get it to work. It also did that all night long. It looks like we are in the market for a new furnace as well.

Just as it seems that it can't get any worse, I decided to start praying. My friend told me about an awesome sermon that was given at her church this Sunday about miracles. I don't remember exactly how she put it. But it was something along the lines of 1) you must go with God 2) you have to admit there is a need 3) you have to give God all you have and 4) you have to expect a miracle (and be patient....that's the hard part).

Well, prayers and patience has paid off. Thinking we would incur a bill around the $2-3K range, we actually got one closer to $1K mark. Blessing #1. Our W-2's arrived in the mail today, which takes me a step closer to filing our tax return. Blessing #2. The furnace continues to run, albeit with much needed strong words and stern faces, but running it is.

The good news is, my husband went to Mass this weekend. With us. As a family. That feels good. I pray that any suffering we endure will be used to complete God's plan for our family and I take comfort in Him - knowing there is nothing we can't handle without Him.

Yesterday I was thinking, "When it rains, it pours." Today I can see that it's just a dribble.

~H