I am tired. Not your average, oh well, lets just push it a few more minutes kind of tired. Really tired. Really, really, really tired. See how I keep repeating myself? I can't even think of a more interesting word to use than "really".
But really (again) I am scared. I am scared to go to bed because once I get there I won't be tired anymore. Because? Because I will be uncomfortable. My hands will start to hurt from the Carpel Tunnel which engulfs them at this stage of pregnancy. I will start to go somewhere, kicking and twisting my legs like a maniac. My forearms will hurt with deferred pain from my wrists. I will flip from side to side until a few hours have passed and I am just so mad that I can't fall asleep that I have to get up.
It's going to suck. In reality, I really will still be tired, but unable to achieve actual rest due to my current condition. I like to refer to this as the "I'm Going To Be Pregnant Forever" Stage. It occurs around week 34 or so and creeps up on you like a stealth bomber. You never actually believe it's going to come until it is here.
I remember, during this pregnancy and others, thinking around 20 weeks or so - This Isn't So Bad. I Am Going To Be OK. I Can Handle This. It's Moving Faster Than The Last One.
Then 34 weeks roll along and you start to imagine news headlines like, "Woman Still Pregnant At 68; Fetus, Age 41, Is Doing Fine".
Then, my conscious gets ahold of me and I realize the baby will come out eventually. As much as I no longer wish to be pregnant this baby needs more time to grow. Professionally speaking, I know a lot about what needs to happen in the last few weeks of gestation, and I know the baby will use the time well. I also know I am not going to be getting a whole lot of sleep once this baby is on the outside of my body. I do know that I will, however, be able to find a comfortable position to catch 45 minute stretches of sleep every 3 hours - and that is what I am really looking forward to.
God, please help me through this. I know I can do it, but only with Your Guidance and Grace. My heart is full of love for this child and I need Your Love to remind me that You know what is best and will send this baby to me when the time is right.