Hunting

I am still on the hunt for the elusive state of sleep. As tired as I am, actually falling and staying asleep has become somewhat of an enigma around these parts. I've heard tales of it happening in my childrens' rooms. Sometimes it even appears in my own, just not when I am there.

I fail to believe that I am stuck awake simply because I am excited about the impending appearance of my new little blessing. Frankly, I just can't relax. I have to much to do, and no time to do it in. Not to mention that my poor body is reacting rather harshly to any sort of changes in environment, whether it be temperature, fabric touching the skin, bathing, lying down vs. standing up, etc.

Not that I am getting anything done during these hours when I can't sleep. I am tired. I don't actually have the energy to get up and do anything. I just lay there and think about what I could be doing, all the while tossing and turning, scratching my stretchy, itchy skin, and (as my husband has informed me) kicking my way to who knows where. He actually woke me up one night when I had found sleep (AHA!) to ask me where I was going. Apparently I have restless legs at night - at least during this particular season of life.

Alas, good will prevail. I will eventually be able to fall asleep. I have a few suggestions for some gentle, natural remedies from my midwife - valerian, melatonin, Calms, Calms Forte, and Myo Calm, as well as an increase in magnesium (the kicking thing). Hopefully, once I get some of those, and work out some stress related kinks this month, everything will run smoothly.

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So, we ended up at Great Wolf Lodge last week. At night. Really, really late at night. I am still hanging on to a little bit of annoyance at the timing of that particular outing. Except, I don't know exactly who I am annoyed at.

One would assume I am annoyed at my husband, whose request I yielded to and obediently packed up the family and house so we could leave. At 11:30pm. Did I mention it was late and a bit of a drive to actually get there?

Or maybe I am annoyed at the money we frivolously wasted (ok, not a total waster, per se, but all you mamas out there know what I mean).

Or maybe I am annoyed at the teenagers, who sat "water park" side and complained about how bored and tired they were. (When did the water become boring to them? I couldn't help but thinking - )

But I think I am really annoyed at myself. I am annoyed that I allowed my codependent tendencies to cloud my better judgement about embarking on this "trip" at all and not speaking up for what I really thought would have been a better "plan", if a plan at all.

1) It was WAY TOO late to be going anywhere. Factor in that I had last eaten at about 3pm (yes, I know, I should know better, being a midwifery student and all that not eating for that long when pregnant is BAD, BAD, BAD) and that I was very tired and cranky - as were my children - and you can confirm way too late.

2) I had a thought that the teenagers would not really have all that great a time. Not to mention that technically, the next day was their mother's day (talking biological, real mom here - yes, I am "technically" a step-mom to a few of the kids, we share them equally with their mom) and how were we going to talk her into unexpectedly letting us keep them for a few extra days. Once asked, the eldest confided that she actually had a commitment to babysit for a family the following evening and would have to be driven back from said "family vacation" even if her mother said we could take her. Okay.....

3) Where exactly does the money for this last minute, spur of the moment idea come from? It's not like we can get a super-small economy room: there are six of us. It's not like the resort is going to give us a discount for checking-in in the middle of the night (although I did call and ask first). We still have to pay full price as though we had been there all day and used the facilities.

I did make a suggestion that we simply wait until the teenagers got picked up the next day and take our (much smaller) family up after that. No, that would not work, pried my husband. "I want us all to go together." Excellent. so he called the ex, got permission to keep them, made plans to drive back the eldest early, and started getting ready to go.

4) Remember the dog? Who is going to take care of the dog? You know, the one with the recent injury? The one that needs constant supervision and daily medications and wound care? My hubby decided to just ignore that piece of the puzzle, regardless of how many times I brought it up.

Right about now, you are all thinking My Best Friend, aforementioned hubby, is a thoughtless, selfish, uncaring pig. He's not. Really. He just has moments like any other unfortunate creature with a Y-chromosome where his brain does not function in normal capacity. Just like I have moments, like any other XX-chromosome creature, where I need to vent in a safe place where all is understood that I do not hate nor want to get rid of my husband - I just need to complain. If you don't like the complaining, or seriously think I need to get divorced, please stop reading. I don't need anything but an outlet to let out some steam.

So we went up, tried to sleep, and got up the next day to swim. My little, tiny one thought the water was kind of weird at first, but eventually realized it was OK. My 8-year-old fish was off and running, finding other like-minded fish to explore the ocean with all day. The teenagers were teenager-y. We snacked, we swam, we walked. It was a regular kind of water-park-y day. (Dontcha like those really one-of-a-kind adjectives I'm using?)

Then it was time to take back the eldest. Guess what? Second eldest wanted to go back too rather than stay with us for the next few days having family fun. Oh well. At least there wouldn't be any more complaining.

I found myself really irritated at the whole thing. Why did it have to go that way? Why don't I even feel like I really have a point to get across in this post? I guess I don't. The "trip" ended up kind of OK. We spent the next 2 days with the baby and 8-year-old. We actually came home one night earlier so I could get some sleep and drove back the following morning to do some more activities in the tourist area the resort was in. By the way, I couldn't sleep because the bedding in the hotel was a cotton/polyester blend and was making me sooooooo itchy. I need natural fibers on my skin at night. I made a point to put that comment in the online survey they sent me the next day. The time spent with my little kids was nice (the teenagers can be nice to, this just wasn't the time). My husband was actually pretty endearing the last day when we drove back up. He was all happy and cute and handsome and cute, and did I mention handsome.

So I guess all's well that ends well. As for next time, which there will not be, I will be assertively speaking up for what I think is the right thing to do, even if it means I can't make everyone happy, including said really handsome guy. I have got to stop trying to make everyone happy and be everything for everybody and make some better decisions.

Sorry about there being no grand moral lesson, or some other wonderfully clever ending. I just don't have it in me today. My brain is still fried from the weird vacation and the weekend following being full of school (for me, which was awesome!!) and trying to sleep the last few nights with thoughts of my house, the bills, the BIG test next month at school, the poor doggie and his foot, studying, new stuff learned at school last weekend, making My Handsome Best Friend understand that a last minute vacation is not cool to Mamas, etc. etc. etc.

Here's to another today. Again.

~H