Have I mentioned at all that my hormones are completely out of whack? Or that they are in whack and I am just completely out of it?
It seems they have found a balance that is working quite well for growing a baby. Not so well for running a household. I find myself yelling at my children, and my husband, then crying because I feel bad for yelling, then I may yell some more because something isn't going right. My husband, Bless his heart, will try and console my offended heart (offend by my own actions) and may even offer a kiss or a hug. Two minutes later, I am crying again.
This is the craziest I have ever felt. It is like those dreams you have where you're watching yourself and yelling at yourself to do something smart - like run from the bad guy - and you don't listen to yourself. I am watching myself be an idiot and I feel helpless. I am treating my poor family like dirt (OK, maybe not ALL the time, but you know how you can beat yourself up and convince yourself it's worse than it is?) and screaming at myself in my head to stop - and it doesn't STOP. AT ALL. ARGH!!
Of course, it could just be hormones. It could be a combination of a few other things as well. Like - for instance - I haven't been keeping up very well in my prayer life. I haven't talked to Him nearly as much as I should be. And likewise, since I am doing no good making an effort to talk to Him, listening to Him has fallen by the wayside as well.
And we all know when you aren't listening to Him, it becomes very easy to hear that other Evil, Heinous voice that starts off quietly making simple, easy suggestions to you to "solve" your problems but ends up ruining any of your endeavors to get back on track to where you where before you heard it's voice.
It's a vicious cycle. It doesn't help having the demon of depression (yes, I stole your vocabulary my dear friend L, but it is such a good descriptor I just couldn't help it) tugging away at my brain, making me wince with pain each time it nudges little suggestions in my head. I have been dealing with this particular demon for quite some time, and it's no easier being pregnant. In a time when I know I should be happy and ecstatic, the demon convinces me that I can't be because I am not good enough, not doing enough, not pretty enough, not mom enough, not wife enough, and not worth enough to deserve happiness.
I have managed to throw the demon off the side of the boat and sail far, far away in the last few years. But, during this and the last pregnancy he has managed to access my route and somehow cut me off when I am almost at the end of the journey. Very frustrating.
His attempt to foil my plans however did not work last time. And as much as I am complaining (oh yes, that's what those few paragraphs above are) and worrying (yes, that too) I know in the deepest recess of my soul that he will not prevail again. I know that He will help me out of this. I know that He is just waiting for me to come to Him and say, "I can't do this by myself. I can't fix this. I need You to take this and deal with it Your way. My way is not working, nor should I have attempted it my way in the first place. I know that Your way is better. I know that You know better than I how to make this work and that I need to trust that You will do that."
This seems to be a reoccurring theme I have going on. Not trusting Him or His Way. It's kind of ironic. I have a sign hanging up in my bathroom. It's very dear to me. I picked it up on my honeymoon with My Best Friend and when we got home he hung it up for me. It says, "Good Morning. This is God. I will be handling all of your problems today. So relax, and have a nice day." I look at that sign everyday, probably more than once. And yet, I don't listen. Here He is saying, "Bring me the problems and LEAVE them WITH ME." And I keep dropping them off - and picking them back up. I am sure He's up there shaking his head at me going, "Heather (yep, He knows my name, my name! Isn't that cool?), I already told you I'd take care of that. Just because I haven't gotten to it right this instant doesn't mean I won't get to it in my own time. You don't have to take it back." But I do. And He just shakes his head, waiting for me to come back around when I realize, as I always do, that some stuff just needs to go into the S.F.G.D.W. pile (that would be Stuff For God to Deal With pile).
I am thankful that His Grace and Mercy are always available to me no matter how many times I turn my back on them. I know I will do it again. Especially with this whole hormone, depression demon, pregnancy, real life happening all around me everyday.
I think I jumped around on one too many subjects with this one folks. Forgive me. I wasn't really sure where this was going when I started it. Apparently, He has lead me to where I needed to go. And now I know what to do to get back where I need to be (as I sit here and yell at my kids to leave me alone. Do I really think that's going to happen anytime soon? Am I living in the same reality as the rest of you?).