Monday, June 7, 2010

I Need A Chick

This is what I told my husband yesterday in the midst of an angry breakdown. I just need a chick to talk to.

It wasn't that he wasn't good enough. He's just not a woman (thank God!). And there was no one to talk to. And I fell apart.

My BFF (ha! I love using "in" language) has breast cancer. Not that that particular problem would keep us from talking, she actually has relatives visiting and I just don't want to bother her. And I have to mention the cancer because I am concerned I will lose her. There. I said it.

My other friend never seems to be able to talk when I call.

My best knitting buddy ever is moving in two weeks 2 1/2 hours north of my house. Craptacular.

We went to Mass at a parish closer to our house this weekend. 20 minutes to the church vs. 1 1/2 hours to our regular parish. It was awful. Let me elaborate:

How many EMC do you need when there are only 100 people in attendance (they had 8!!)?

Why were the EMC's consuming the host at the same time as the priest did (yes, he actually handed it out to them before he consumed it himself)?

Why didn't we sing the "Alleluia" before the Gospel? Or any of the other things we normally sing at a Sunday Mass (all were spoken, like a weekday Mass)?

We were out of there in thirty minutes. 3-0. On The Feast Day of Corpus Christi.

I left wondering if I attended a valid Mass. I also was so very distracted by the lack of reverence that I found myself unable to really participate in the Mass. I prayed afterward, in front of the Tabernacle, and asked Jesus to forgive me for being distracted and to forgive those in the parish for their disrespect. I asked him to help me be closer to him even when I don't "feel" like I am.

And then I had the shittiest day ever.

I got in a big pissing match with my husband over his attention to our biological children vs his biological children. I was very much picking a fight for I-don't-know-why. Then I tried to call somebody to just get it off my chest and there was no one.

My pelvis was heavy and hurting all day. I tried really hard to talk to my husband (when there wasn't any women available) about this and he just said, "Well duh. You're pregnant." I KNOW I"M PREGNANT. HELLO! I just needed to talk to someone (a chick, a mom) who would understand that even though I was very much excited for this new life within me, it still sucks feeling like your insides are going to fall out your bottom all day. It sucks having another human have the hiccups near your butt. Your butt shouldn't be shaking from the inside. Seriously.

I ended up driving into the big city anyway later that evening to get groceries. I calmed down. There was still no one to talk to. I tried calling my husband. And get this, he said "For someone who has so much Faith, maybe you should just let Him take care of it for a while." Can you believe it?! The nerve. Oh wait a minute. He was totally right. So I stopped trying to call every (three people) person I could and just sat in the quiet. It wasn't working. So I put on Relevant Radio (do they have that where you are? Awesome, Catholic radio). That was better.

There are still issues, and for some reason I am not sleeping at night. But the anger is out of me.

And now, to back-track a little, what do I do about the Mass? Do you just go somewhere else (I will)? Am I supposed to say something? Do I call the priest and (respectfully) ask him about my concerns? Do I write him a letter about my experience? Do I write to the Bishop (who is at my regular parish)? As a "young" Catholic, I am a little lost about what would be appropriate. I just thought the whole thing was weird (and distracting) (and irreverent). My husband thought it was just different and thinks I need to let it go.

Sorry not to have a point here.....I just needed to vent and ramble. Thanks. Sometimes I just need a chick. Which is why I have bloggers (ok, I know at least one of you is a guy, my apologies). My husband actually asked me the other night why I have so many blogs bookmarked on my phone. It's because I love you guys. You keep me sane.


Anonymous said...

Don't you hate it when they're right??? Don't you LOVE it when they're right??!!!!!!! :)

If the priest used valid matter and said the appropriate prayers of consecration and the readings were done (albeit with no Alleluia) I believe the Mass is valid, even if shoddy. (If the Alleluia is not sung, it is to be omitted, Omitting it is liturgically correct if it is not to be sung. so since the apparently don't sing there, they actually did something right! [ ])

Shame. The "what to do" is a whole other question...

I will admit that I'd probably just never go back and not say anything. Unless I could work it in casually in a chat with my Bishop ("wow, I'm glad to be back here where the Mass is said so nicely unlike that other place.") If there were only 100 people, the Bishop likely knows. Surely people left and complained.

While I totally know what you mean.... I am LMBFAO about the "butt shaking from the inside". Of course, *I* miss it. My baby days are almost surely over and I miss those things. Funny how time and distance makes the most annoying things so appealing.

I'm sorry about your BFF. That has got to suck. Prayers for her and for you.

MamaMidwife said...

Thanks so much. Yes I love/hate it when they are right!

We actually *said* the Alleluia, just didn't sing it. It was weird.

Probably just not going back. Easiest.

Thanks for the prayers. She's got a whole lot of those, but I still worry. Kind of hard not too. She's doing well though and keeping up (even signed back into school for the fall).

And yes, I do *love* being pregnant. But ya know...can my butt not shake?? Ha ha!!

Anonymous said...

I don't have anything really great or helpful to say... But isn't that what we need sometimes? Someone who can hear, understand totally, and not try to fix it. That is the difference between my husband and "a chick". :) I hate being pregnant, personally. It is SOOOO worth it, but that interior butt rattle? Yeah....
Hang in there, sweetie. Tomorrow will be better.

Michelle said...

We're all out here for ya sista!! Our ears (well okay technically eyes) are listening (reading). You vent away any time you must.

Maybe you would feel better writing a note to the priest and pray long and hard over it before you mail it. It will work out!

Remember our Blessed Mother Mary is waiting to hear you too! I've found myself on a bit of a slippery slope lately with my mood. Not sure exactly why except that maybe the anniversary of my father's death is approaching. And the other thing that my husband so kindly pointed out was that we haven't been able to say our rosary at 3:30 like we had been due to scheduling conflicts. I'm thinking it is playing a bigger role in my mood than I realized.